Fat, scratchy throat, sunburn

Fat

She look at herself in the camera, then pinched her cheek a bit.

"Honey, I'm getting rounder", 

He look at her, that soft eyes as always. He smiles.

"Did you hear me? My weight increased",

She said, a bit disappointed but she knows exactly the reason why. She's been letting herself go lately. It's hard to resist temptation. 

"Now what do you weight?", 

He asked, again with that soft eyes. She answered.

"Oh. Then you need to add 4 more kgs. Make it even", 

She look at him, looking for signs of sarcasm or just plain kidding. There wasn't. Just pure adoration in his eyes. Then she gets a little less upset about her weight. 

"You know this is your fault, right? You make me too happy that I get rounder", 

She asked, partly kidding, but she want him to know he actually make her happy. He just smiled at her antics. And continue calling her "my love".

And just like that, her insecurities vanishes into thin air.

______________________

Scratchy throat 

It's been a few weeks of her feeling unwell. She's usually pretty healthy. Rarely gets sick. So this mess up with her mood.

Her voice also changes. Funny how sore throat makes you sound like a rockstar, but feel like a lizard. Okay she didn't actually feel like a lizard, but you know what I mean. 

Her phone rings. Him. She answered. Not really feeling good, but she always feels better after talking to him. They talked. Just daily updates. Then he asked her to sing. Oh yes, he like hearing her sing. She then said her voice wasn't melodious. It wouldn't sound pretty as always. He didn't care. He just want her to sing. So she did. 

She started singing, and already her voice is all over the place. She can hear herself singing off key, with that hoarse voice. All she could think is "omg what is this sound". 

Then she sees him on the screen. Looking at her. Listening to her sing. That usual soft eyes. That slight smile. Pure adoration. And keep looking, like wanting more. She couldn't help but think how come he can look at her with pure adoration when she feels like her voice is not as good as usual.

"He must really love me".

______________________

Sunburn

She just finished a 2 days company camp, and 3 days company retreat. The retreat's main activity was outdoor in nature. Naturally, her skin will be tanned a bit. Her skin usually is fair. Not Caucasian fair, but fairer than most for an Asian.

As usual, she will complain to him.

"Honey... My skin is dark", and pout.

He look at her on the screen, smile, and say

"Maybe you can get darker, more cute",

Taking her by suprise. But immediately erases her insecurity about her sunburnt skin. She feels better, so she decided to reciprocate.

"So, I'm not cute with my fair skin then", 

With a naughty smirk. Usual girl stuff, trying to get a reaction. He just smile, looking at her.

"Cute. But even cuter when darker".

She smiles like a goon. He knows just what to say to make her feel better. Best part is, she knows he meant it. 

Choppy signal, cold mountain wind vs cookies

She was knee deep in cookies. It's been a while, but her scooping pace is still quite the same. It's almost 6pm. Almost break fast time. Then suddenly her phone rings. Him.

She answered as usual. How couldn't she, it's their daily call. She knows he's on the mountain today, probably just reached Panalaban. She greeted him. Bubly as usual, always happy to hear from him. Then he said;

"I'm going back down about 200m, there's no signal upstairs", 

She process. Going down? This man, who literally just finished his guiding duty to Panalaban from Timpohon, probably tired, find out there's no signal at his hostel, descend back down, in the cold, while tired, just to find phone signal to talk to her? Her heart moved. If this isn't real love, what is?

She continues talking to him. Usual day-to-day update. And they have to hang up soon since she's in the middle of scooping cookies. Saying goodbye has never been easy for her. Especially today. Especially when he's being this devoted. 

Is this how it feels to be properly loved? She couldn't comprehend it. 

Blankets Over Her Barbed Wire

"So when are we getting married?"

She raise from his arms. Look at him. Slightly suprised. 

"You really want to marry me?", she asked, taking his hand and squeezing it. 

He looks at her. He doesn't have to answer. She knows him enough to know, that's a yes.

"but...", she adds. 

Yes, there's a but. They both know it. He pulled her in again. The silence was a bit heavy. 

"Honey, you... You're okay with my 'problem'?", he asked, eyes filled with fear. 

"To be completely honest, I know there's a 'problem' . But I don't really understand what happens", she answered honestly. She never lied to him. Didn't have to. She look at him.

Long silent. Just them, being with each other. He knows she love him. If not, she wouldn't be there.

_________________

Her brain's all foggy, like the surrounding. It's 4am. She woke up at 2.30am. Go to sleep at about 1am. And it's second night of her sleep deprivation journey. She didn't mind it. But that just make her less vigilant. Not a good condition to hike. 

"Careful honey, people's stick", he said, looking at her. 

Her brain isn't working on full capacity yet. Its 4.30am. She heard him, but didn't register what he's talking about. He suddenly walk in front of her. She didn't mind, as long as he's near. 

About another 200m of hiking, they met with a wooden stairs. Again. She hold her hiking stick up, being careful that it wouldn't poke people behind her. Then it dawns on her. Just now, he told her to be careful because of the front people's hiking stick is sticking out to the back, almost poking her eyes out. Okay, thats a hyperbole. Then she remembers, he went in front of her  to protect her from that.

She rarely feels that. That feeling of being safe. Being protected without being asked. He sees a threat, and throw himself between her and the threat to keep her safe. 

_____________

"It's impossible, isn't it?" he asked. Eyes no longer full with fear, but defeat. 

She paused. Thinking. She looks at him. 

"Impossible, no. But it will be hard", she nods, and smile, tilting her head a bit. She always catch herself doing cutesy things when she's with him, and he always notices. He look at her. His eyes look like a huge burden just liften off his shoulders. He didn't smile, but he look a bit relieved. 

"As long as you didn't think it's impossible", he said. 

The pay

 Oh shit! He DO really love me, didn't he? 

As if that's a curse. As if she don't want this too. As if it didn't make her happy, but guilty at the same time. 

But why?

Looking at yesterday, it's obvious. His heart beats fast when he embraced her, she can actually hear it. He's awfully happy when she made it, her goal travelling all the way here. A 3000km flight plus 2 hours car ride. All those trainings. The anticipation. She made it. And she can see how determined he is to help her make it come true. He ignored when his friends say no. Go back. He guide her hand all the way up, even when she's just like a shell of herself at that moment. He told her

"I will be sad if you didn't reach your goal coming here" 

And all the efforts. Yes, a girl notices all the small efforts. How he never hovers too close but always nearby to make sure she's safe. How he never nag but give some wisdom, say the right things when her smile falters. How he actually cook for her when no one else in his position, at least none she ever heard of, has ever done this. The way he gives her his rain coat when it rains, and he hold his umbrella up to her when she said the rain coat still make her clothes wet. How he always smile and point to the her favorite mushroom that they passed through, the whole trip, even when she's too tired to notice it. How when he knows she like to look at all the faunas and floras, he will point out each one that's rare (maybe that's his job nature, but she still appreciate it). How he asked small things about her and remembers them. How he looks sad when they part ways.

The thing is, this is rare. And when she asked him

"Why me? You met tons of people every day" 

He just said

"Because of the way you make me feel. With you, I feel different"

Yes, the feels. She feel it too. In fact, she felt it when they first met, thats why she avoids him at first (literal avoidance attachment I suppose). Part of her comes back because of him. Even when she never admits it out lout. This trip, she sees the proof. 

Lets start with the way he make her feel. He make her feel... safe. All her life, she's always been the one who takes care of others. The one who notices everyone's side eyes, sighs, silent tears. The one who can anticipate things that others can't even fathom. But with him, she feels like a child, in a good way. She feel seen and taken care of. It's not a feeling she often feel outside of her family & friends circle. It's weird. They only met two times. Yes, two. Not even enough number to count your fingers. 

Then the little things he did. Then, the payment. Oh keep your head out of the gutter, it's not like that. He's supposed to help her with something and she pays him. Thats the way things like this go. But when she asks him about it, he said there's no need.

"You don't need to pay me. You've give me more" 

She then do the maths. This isn't some 2, 3 dollars worth of things. It's supposed to be hundreds of dollars. Yes, that much. Then comes the panic. 

Oh shit! He DO really love me, didn't he?

This isn't supposed to happen. They have nothing in common, literally. Except for their love of the activity she flew here to do itself. Not geographical, not race, not culture, not the way they view the world. It's like if a farm boy falls in love with the princess, I guess.

This will wither in time

She hopes. Because if it blooms, it will raise all sorts of hell for both of them. And to be honest, she don't think they both can handle it without burning their worlds. 

Off French Fries and Grape Soda

 It was a fine working day for me. Well, every working day is, not to say physically exhausting, but the mental load I have to bear is quite humongous, since it's my first week handling cases alone. It didn't dawn to me until this incident that all of that might have taken a toll on my psyche, or maybe it's just a process through my learning curve to deliver this job.

I went home with a craving for fried chicken from this new fried chicken franchise that just opened. Well not to say I have tasted this one before, at least not here. I actually have tasted it in its original country when I went for Umrah few years back. Yes, it's Al-Baik chicken. I loved it back then, since they injected the spices into the chicken before they fried them, making the spice literally seeps into the chicken.

Having though that, I went to the place, and ordered a set. I ordered a 2 piece set, with grape soda. As they take their own sweet time to prepare the food, and my patience are running thin, when they call my number, I just went to take the to-go order without checking. I was excited to jump start eating the fries in my car while driving home. I started my car straight away and drive. At the first red traffic light, my hand reach for the fries from inside the plastic bag, only to notice they're not there. "Maybe its inside the chicken boxes", I thought, and look, but sure enough, it's not.

My eyes started to get misty. I want my fries! Where's my piping hot fries? I've been craving for fries for about a month now, so imagine my disappointment when it's not there. I flipped. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this hormonal woman who's on her period flipped over some fries. I turn my car around back to the chicken joint while tears running down my dark brown crystals.

When I reached the place, I take a few deep breath to calm myself down. I get out of car, went inside the joint with the plastic bag containing my recently bought food, and the workers are puzzled to see me there. I went straight to the empty counter with a stern expression and voice, I said "There's no fries. And garlic sauce". I look at them, to see if they're listening. They nodded, straight away prepare my fries. "... and I ask for grape soda, NOT orange soda", I take out the orange soda and put it on the counter. Realising their mistake, it took them less than a mere minute to prepare both fries and grape soda. When they put it all in my plastic bag, I said "garlic sauce", still the same stern face and voice. They give me a larger container of garlic sauce instead of individual one, which I'm sure its because they felt guilty. I reach for the plastic and checked for everything, and with the same stern expression "thank you", I take the plastic bag containing the food and storm out of the joint.

There it is. I'm a happy woman now. I got my fries. All is right with the world. To be completely honest, I have half a mind to give the worker some piece of my mind for not checking my order properly, but I give them a pass. It's my mistake too for not checking before I get to my car. I usually do, though. I think my stern, tear stained face has been enough they they remember to check orders before giving them to other customers.

So, that's the end of the story. Not to say its a big story, but I can't seem to get it out of my mind, thus me telling it here. Have a great weekend folks! 

Xo xo

Walls

I promised I'd check in but hey, it's 3 weeks later and here I am. Well at least I'm here, shut up!

So. My training at work almost over. Not to say I know everything that is to know about my job exactly, but I think I know enough. And frankly I'm grateful they didn't just sic the work on me raw without any trainings.

How was it? Its overwhelming at first, new things always are. But it gets better. Colleagues are all nice, including the boss, whick I don't think just anyone could experience. I'm lucky.

The thing I want to talk about today. Walls. As I'm sure, everyone has built walls around themto protect themselves from something, you name it; from being hurt, from being seen, from all their secrets. Myself included. And yes, in the recent years, I realize I have this fear of beeing seen. Probably from childhood trauma or something, I'm not sure (or I rather not say :p). I'm always nice, but I push people away when I feel like I'm starting to care about them. Yes, avoidance attachment.

I have a friend that willalways reach out to eve even when I'm being an asshole to her. She knows how much I care about her despite me always pushing her away many times. I think she's the first person to bring that wall down. And I thank God for her. 

The walls are still there, but after her, they were torn down more, no less by Pound. Sounds strange, isn't it? Before Pound, I have trouble with people hugging me. Not even my family and close friends. Of course I tolerate it from time to time, but the general verdict is: I dont like them. Litlle by little, Pound Pros (there's one in particular but I wont put her name here) torn this wall down by hugging me and asking how I am after almost each session, and I feel myself opening up. Funnily enough, this coincide with me still being a psych student, so I am more aware of my feelings.

Feelings are a funny thing. Naming them too. And what to do with them? We need to sit with them, let us feel them. Thwn we can move on. Sounds cliché, isn't it? But it works for me. If you're sad, cry. Yes crying isn't pleasant at the moment, but it helps you regulate that sad emotion. Don't block them.

My new job, I think is doing a great job in tearing the walls down further. It's because this job requires me to be genuine and empathetic. Not everyone can do this, not saying that I'm the most capable or I'm an angel, but I want to do this. To add value in someone's life.

So, yeah. There we are.

Xo xo

Prodigal daughter goes to work

So, yes. It's my first day of work. I'm not sure if I ever updated whether I got the job or not, but I do. And today is my first day.

My working hour is actually 9-6, but due to traffic, I started my journey at 6.40-ish. I just arrived (7.40-ish). Woah the traffic is, well a challenge.

Excited. Nervous. Well, new things does that to you. Hope I can manage and adapt. See ya!

Bombers; Jalapeno

 So here it comes. I make my own jalapeno bombers. But, since its my first time, its still a fixer upper (sighs).

I make the damn thing by just deseeding jalapeno, cut them into small pieces, then shred the cheese (I use red cheese), flour, egg, flour, egg then panko.

What can I improve? 

Red cheese are a bit overpowering by its own in this. So I think for the next time, we should add cream cheese to it. The ratio of cheese to jalapeno shouldn't be 1:1, Maybe like 3:1, 1 being the jalapeno. We should cut the jalapeno finer, and blanch it longer, to soften it up. Maybe add some paprika powder + a bit of salt since we're adding the cream cheese. Taste the damn thing before rolling it, yes you can taste it because it doesn't contain any egg.

This batch, maybe we can eat it with some ketchup or something? 

So yeah. Thats that. Here's some pictures. Enjoy! 

The Red Windbreaker

 A couple of things:

• Blogging is fun!
• If I'm Pounding in my long windbreaker, when I want to record videos of myself, I need to zip up the sumbitch. It's unflattering.

I've had processed my recent interview and I gotta say, I still want it. Working there. Despite the place being literally in the heart of jammed highway, I think I can learn a lot there. Of course there's a lot to work on, but good thing this place believe in learning curve. They train new intakes. Even when interviewing, they tell me that all the skills will be learn in training session, and it takes time to get used to working there, and I believe them. They even dedicate Friday evenings for meetings and sharing among therapists there, focusing on their mental health, since they believe its vital for people in this line of work to have good be in good mental health, and this work require lots of mental and physical energy.

About Pound, oh yes, I even mentioned Pound in the interview. Why? Because after talking, they give me time to see for myself how they work, and I get to experience the activities with the students there. They have a playtime session, which the student chooses what activity they want to do. This cutie kid choses to hide and seek, more like cat and mouse, they run and we try to catch them. I had fun doing that, not gonna lie. I run to catch the kid. And the interviewer saw this. They said that they're impressed I could run quite fast, that's where I told them that I do Pound, and mentioned that there's generation Pound, which is for kids, not just normal ones but also neurodivergent ones. They seem interested. 

I'm actually feeling better. No voices. So I don't think the thing on Monday is an episode, probably just me feeling overwhelmed because that was literally my first interview ever in ages. So kudos to that. Im still trying to avoid social media, but I dont want to miss out on things. FOMO much?. I just, we, Rep girlies are still clowning over maybe Tay will release Rep TV on CNY, since the next year is snake year. But to be completely honest, I didn't get my hopes that high. Never did. I actually like Rep the way it is. Just curious about the vault track.

 We have people coming here today since its a holiday. So gotta go help mum in the kitchen. Yeah daughter of the year, I know ><.

Xo xo pipol

Have a great holiday!

Mad at Disney

 I'm mad at Disney Disney

They tricked me, tricked me

Got me wishing on a shooting star~

My interview went smoothly just now. Alhamdulillah. It's a really good opportunity for me if I actually got the job. The employees are really nice, they even give me a chance to sit in a session with the kids. And I really like they way they conduct things there. It all felt natural.

On the other side of things, I think its back. The voices. I'm a bit concerned. Okay thats a lie. I'm concerned big time. I hope I can manage them this time. It's been a while.

I think thats all for now. I notice people actually are still reading? I'm not sure if I should be flattered or impressed? ><

Have a nice holiday! 

I'm Growing Up

Been a while, huh?

My last post was in 2022, but the story is from 2015, which, lets face it, 10 years ago. Lots of things, I mean, lots, have happened since. To be honest I'm not sure if anyone is still reading blogs, which might be one of the reasons I decided to come back here. Social medias are distracting.

So, dear readers (if any), how have you been? 

I say it sincerely that I do hope you're doing well. Me, well, I myself am not sure. I think I am but lately things seems to have exponential effects on my emotion. I know 35 is not the age people usually started to figure things out, people my age have mostly figured themselves out, be stable in their life, their job, some have already been married and have children. I am happy for them. Genuinely happy. I've taught myself that other people achievements doesn't take from mine, but I cant help but wonder a lot of things these days.

For those who doesn't know, I recently just completed my Master's Degree, and guess what, not in engineering. Yes, I think I subconsciously made a binding covenant with myself to not go back there. And now, comes the hard part. Actually using that Master's Degree. I'm in search for a job! Yay! A legit job that actually using my degree, not just my hands, like the previous one (I will tell you that later, or maybe I won't, who knows?). 

The thing is, the world have completely changed since the last time I have a job using my degree. Now, we can apply for a job just by using an app on the phone. Oh yes, it lowkey surprises me, but lowkey kinda expecting that too. I actually got an interview for tomorrow, which, if you are reading, please pray for me. I don't understand myself why I don't feel safe sharing this too people. Probably because it's masked in shame; yeah, people don't normally just starting out at my age. But here's the thing, people who I actually told this, are really supportive. I'm lucky to have such supportive friends, I've found my people.

I need to write this here to remind my future self that, whatever the outcome is, it's always for the best. Allah knows best for me. If I get it, then I will gain lots of knowledge and experience. But if I didn't, its not the end of the world. I have a backup plan this time. At least I'm not wasting time like before. I want to be a valuable part of society. So, just pray for whats best for me, okay?

Am I nervous?

Are you crazy? Of course I am! Lol. Okay I'm not a lol user, but can you imagine me chuckling nervously? Oh maybe I should just write that.

I always wanted to continue journaling, I feel like social media have taken the fun out of just saying what I want without making people... butthurt, for the lack of better word. Or maybe I'm just imagining things. But we'll see. 

Pray for me!

My Cousin's Wedding

Something I found deep in my archives and decided it needed to be posted

16.8.2015

I catch a glimpse of him from afar. Damn he still looks good. After knowing he's in the ceremony, I can't concentrate. My mind wander.

Back in my childhood days, he's not the "handsomest", but he sure is the smartest. I don't really know why I "like" him but that might be a helping factor. He's one of the good boys, not the naughty one.
As I'm handing out doorgift for the ceremony, I saw him walking right in front of me. I never really met him since in standard t, so I don't know if he remembers me. But he did. Then he see me and smiled. Yes he smiles. He approached me And asked for a candy [one of the doorgifts]. Like someone under a magic spell, I just take the candy and give it to him.

Suddenly he said "I just want one". I didn't realize I grabbed two bags of the candy. The idiot that I am, I responded with "do you want one of these, I made them" pointing to my Baymax cupcakes.
And of course, that is the time when I the candy bags in my hand decided to fall. And he's like "sorry" then squat down to pick up the bags, took one of them and hand me the other one. "Thank you" said him and smiled

Ray of light

 She stumbled on the floor

When the room wasn't even dark

But she can't see the door

Darkness has conquered her world

But there's a ray of light peak through 

Beautifully it's not from outside in

Like her world has always been

Her heart find the light

And shines it out, out to her world, out to the outside

She finally smile after drowning in her owm tears for a while

She felt the ray of light, turns bright, like sunshine finally illuminate her world

Now, she can see the flowers around her she stumbled upon

Now, she can smell the scent of raindrops and see the mesmerising sunsets

Now, she can taste the scrumptious chocolate she keeps feeding herself without knowing

Her world seems beutiful again

Her eyes has been open wide again

Her smile has filled her face again

Thanks to that ray of light

Beams from her little heart

Dark Abyss

 Have you ever fallen into a dark abyss

While you're just standing there minding your own business

You've tried everything you can think off to get you out of there

Yet nothing works while you're still falling down

Keep falling and falling

Down and down

Deep into the dark abyss

Yearning for some light

Crying for some help

Till the tears drown you

You still keep falling

With no way out

Pagi Jumaat

Seminggu.

Masuk hari ni dah seminggu sehari Nazrin tak ada.

Macam cepat sangat masa berlalu. Macam tak percaya dia dah pergi dulu. Janji Allah, maut akan datang tepat pada waktu. Tak cepat tak lambat.

Macam semalam semua berlaku. Masa dia nikah. Masa dia bagitahu family yang dia ada cancer. Masa bedah buang colon dia yang affected dengan cancer tu. Masa kita pergi PD ramai-ramai. Masa aku teman dia dengan Nadia buat chemo kat UMSC. Masa pergi IKN untuk tukar tempat chemo. Masa doc bagitahu yang chemo tu tak berkesan.

Masa pergi HPj untuk bedah tulang belakang. Masa pergi IKN sebulan lepas tu untuk start buat radiotheraphy. Masa dia kena tahan sebab tak boleh buat radiotheraphy. Masa doctor bagitahu satu family yang masa dia dah tak lama. Masa dia hembuskan nafas terakhir.

Pagi Jumaat tu, aku ingat lagi doktor kata masa ni sesuai untuk bisikkan kat dia apa-apa yang kita nak cakap sebab biasanya pendengaran lah yang akan pergi last kalau seseorang tu meninggal dunia. Jadi Nadia bisikkan something kat telinga dia. Lepas tu mak pulak bisikkan something kat telinga dia. lepas je mak bisik, dia dah tak tarik nafas. Kiteorang semua tunggu, tapi dia tak tarik2 dah nafas lepas tu. Semua menangis. Panggil nurse. Nurse check. Doktor datang. Doktor kata dia dah tak ada. Rasa macam hilang separuh nyawa masa tu.

Rasa macam betul ke aku berdiri ni. Macam mana aku berdiri? Mak dah tak terkata, terus pergi sebelah dia baca yaasin. Mak suruh kiteorang call orang untuk inform. Dalam menangis2 tu kiteorang call2 orang. Aku pon call sesiapa yang aku teringat nak call. Sedih dia tak tahu nak cakap macam mana. Ayah yang plan nak datang pagi tu, tumpang kereta aunty kina. Abah Nadia, uncle Nasir uruskan hal kat Shah Alam, nak mandi mayat semua semua tu.

Hari Jumaat tu berlalu dengan sangat pantas.

9-10am
Nadia dengan Mayah pergi uruskan documents kat IKN tu. Mak baca yasin. Aku tak tahu nak buat apa, nak baca yasin pun tak boleh. Aku call lagi sesiapa yang patut. Orang yang nak mandi jenazah datang, dan perlukan sign Nadia untuk bawak turun jenazah. Aku call Nadia. Dia naik. Diorang semua pindahkan jenazah Abang untuk dibawak turun untuk dimandikan.

10-11am
Jenazah Abang alhamdulillah selamat turun dan dimandikan. Jenazah turun guna pintu staff. Kiteorang turun guna pintu pelawat. Masa turun tu aku nampak Naimah kat bawah. Nasib baik dia datang kalau tak tak tahun nak cari forensik kat mana. Masa sampai depan forensik tu dah ramai kat situ. Dalam 10.30 ayah, aunty kina, nazmi dan naqib sampai. Ayah masuk untuk mandikan jenazah. Aku kat luar ni tak tahu nak buat apa, borak-borak dengan Naimah. Aku baru teringat aku belum cakap hi lagi kat nazmi dengan naqib. Aku tanya diorang ok tak. Nazmi terus nangis kat aku. Naqib kata dia sedih, tapi at least Abang dah tak sakit.

Mayah ajak kiteorang adik beradik pergi kemas barang Abang dalam bilik kat atas tu. Masa kiteorang nak naik tu alhamdulillah kawan2 US mak datang, at least mak tak sorang2. Kemas2 barang lama jugak rasa, barang banyak sebab 2 minggu duduk sana kan. Selesai kemas barang, salam2 dengan nurses yang comel lote dan cakap tq kat diorang, kamipon berjaya bawak turun semua barang sekali hangkut je. Tapi nurse ada mention ada document Nadia belum bagi lagi kat dia, so aku turun cakap kat Nadia, dia minta tolong aku bagikan document tu.

Masa turun daripada bagi document tu aku nampak mak, so kiteorang pon pergi ke kereta dan terus balik. Plan asalnye nak suruh abang wan atau kak yati tolong bawak balik kereta Bumblebee abang tu tapi lupa nak mintak kunci kat Nadia so tak jadi lah.

11am-12pm
Aku drive balik rumah. Aku kuatkan diri untuk drive sebab mak memang dah sedih sangat masa tu. Nad risau takut aku tak boleh drive siap offerkan faiq suruh drive. Tapi takpa lah kereta pon dah penuh masa tu, aku drive balik rumah. Alhamdulillah perjalanan balik smooth je, takda jem ke apa. Masa kiteorang sampai rumah van jenazah pun sampai sekali, jadi diorang bawak masuk jenazah Nazrin ke rumah dulu untuk orang tengok plus solat jenazah.

12-1pm
Aku dengan mayah sibuk layan orang semua  tak tukar baju pon. Masa diorang panggil untuk tengok jenazah, aku dah tak terkata terus menangis untuk kesekian kalinya. Mayah pun sama. Nadia tenang je cium muka Abang dan bisik lagi kat dia "kita jumpa kat syurga eh b". Ya Allah tabahnya engkau Nadia.

Aku tengok dari tangga masa diorang tutup jenazah dan bawa masuk van. Aku tengok masa van tinggalkan rumah, bermakna Abang meninngalkan rumah buat kali terakhir dan takkan kembali dah. Cepatnya engkau tinggalkan kami Abang.

1-2.30pm
Lepas je van berlalu, aku naik atas untuk mandi. Dari semalam tak mandi2 lagi. Mayah pun naik jugak. Aku message Nad dengan Sarah, kalau dah sampai naik terus masuk bilik aku. Lepas mandi aku bukak surah yasin kat laptop. Sambil baring atas katil. Macam tak percaya Abang dah tak ada. Sekejap je lepas tu Nad sampai. Aku peluk Nad. Menangis lagi. Sarah sampai. Pon sama. Kiteorang borak2. Tapi sebenarnya kalau ikut mood aku nak tidur je masa tu. Malam sebelum tu tidur memang tak lena. Risaukan Abang lagi. Jaga Abang lagi. Sedih lagi.

Aku turun takut mak kena layan orang sorang2. Salam2 orang. Itu ini. Aku start tanya arrangement untuk ke kubur. Tiba2 nampak Nadia macam menangis2. Aku pelik, aku pergi sana. Rupa2nya makcik2 aku bagitahu yang isteri tak boleh pergi kubur kalau suami dah mati sebab iddah dah start. Aku tak terkata. Nak cakap apa pun tak tahu. Nadia terus masuk bilik dia. Cari2 dalil yang sahih pasal benda tu. Beberapa kali aku masuk jenguk dan pujuk dia untuk pergi, dia taknak.

2.30-4pm
Masa kali terakhir aku jenguk tu alhamdulillah dia ubah fikiran. Dia kata nak pergi kubur. Aku pon jom ajelah. Aku, mak, Nadia naik kereta Sarah. Sempat sampai sebelum van jenazah sampai. Kamipun pergi tengok Nazrin buat kali yang terakhir.

Kami beramai2 tengok masa diaorang turunkan jenazah ke dalam liang lahad. Ayah dengan Nazmi tolong turunkan sekali. Tukang gali kubur buat keranda, lepas tu terus kambus. Sekarang senang, gali kambus kubur guna Excavator je, tak payah lah sakit2 belakang gali manually pakai cangkul.

Alhamdulillah semua urusan dah selesai. Kiteorang dengar talkin lepas tu balik. Balik tu tengok2 orang Ganu dah kat rumah. Orang BP pon ada. Semua datang. Kami yang dah boleh kata seharian tak makan, makan nasi kukus aunty kina beli.

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Abang,

Along nak minta maaf untuk semua salah along kat abang, sakitkan hati abang, bergurau terlebih. Kalau ada masa yang abang perlukan seseorang tapi along takda kat situ. Kalau masa abang minta tolong tapi along tak deliver.

Halalkanlah semua yang along pernah ambik daripada abang.

Tolong jangan rasa bersalah untuk masa2 yang abang minta teman pergi mana2 especially masa pergi IKN. Sejak abang belajar kat penang dulu kita dah tak berapa rapat, jadi bila abang minta along teman pergi IKN along rasa ok je sebab tu lah masa untuk spend dengan abang dan nadia.

Along juga maafkan semua salah abang kat along. Juga halalkan semua yang along bagi atau abang ambil dari along.

You are a good brother. A good son. A good husband. And a good person. Kami doakan syurga lah ganjaran abang. Dan kami harap kami juga boleh jumpa abang kat sana. Abang rehat puas puas eh, dah banyak sakit kat dunia ni.We love you abang.

Assalamualaikum Muhammad Nazrin Bin Ismail, see you in another life brother <3 p="">

JK1M result

I promised I'd update weekly but it seems like laziness has conquered me. About the JK1M, I've lost about 10kgs and counting although these few days my meals weren't that wholesome. My mom and I actually ended up having so much fun and I could see her health condition improves. As for me, most of my shirts and pants starting to felt loose.

This week started up extra stressful for us family since my brother is going to have an operation on his back bone. The bad cells have spread and nest there until his left hand is affected; it's weak and he can't really feel or move his fingers anymore.

This year have basically been a long nightmare to us and if the nightmare have a climax, this is it. Mom super stressed and emotional, I actually witness my dad shed a couple tears in account of his concern about the operation.

Alhamdulillah the operation runs smoothly and Nazrin is recovering rapidly more than I though he will, which is actually a huge relief. Just a quick update, hope to write here soon.

Allons-y!

JK1M9 2: Hate You Coach!

Antara benda yang akan terkeluar dari mulut kau kalau first time workout. Aku tak hate pon coachnye tau!

Meeting kedua kiteorang buat circuit training, basically a bunch of workout regime [squat, lunge, mountain climber, pushup dll]  ada set2 dia. Coach kata harini tak penat sangat tapi masa buat tu ya ampun nak pensan pon ada. Rasanya adat lah tu sebab first time buat semua ni.

Tapi betul la, kalau ramai2 buat memang lagi semangat berbanding buat sorang2. Banyak benda jugak aku belajar tapi rasanya ada salah buat ni sebab sakit pinggang 😭. Tak tahu ah esok macam mana, hopefully makin ok lah, kalau boleh taknak lah skip kelas rugi je rasa.

Lepas cool down semalam ada sharing success story dari salah sorang peserta, dia sebelum ni 150kg tapi dengan usaha yang sangat gigih sekarang dah around 80kg lebih macam tu. Lagi sorang umur dah 51 tapi masih aktif lagi membuktikan bahawasanya kalau nak, ada cara. Jangan jadikan umur atau jantina dan sebagainya sebagai alasan.

Tak sabar pulak nak next class walaupun rasa sakit tu ada semangat pun ada sekali, wahai pinggang esok jangan sakit lagi eh...

Aja aja fighting!

JK1M9: 1 Baby Shark

Hari khamis Coach buat whatsapp group untuk anak2 buah dia, untuk pengumuman serta nak monitor pemakanan kita. First meeting untuk group kiteorang hari Sabtu 9.9.2017 kat seksyen 8.

Walaupun excited, aku dengan mak punya semangat dah kurang 50% sebab baru dapat berita pasal abang. Aku cerita kat post lain lah nanti eh.

Basically first meeting ni, coach nak terangkan pasal pemakanan yang sihat apa yang bagus apa yang tak semua. Bincang pasal schedule dengan venues. Exercise pon ada tapi sikit2 jelah.

Oh, ada sesi timbang-menimbang jugak! Haa agak seram lah ya tapi ni untuk banding keberkesanan program ni. Coach pon tak buat muka judging pon kalau berat kau berkoyan-koyan [macam akula], kebanyakan coach adalah professional gym instructor, jadia diorang dah biasa dengan benda2 macam ni.

Alhamdulillah dapat coach yang relek2 je tak strict sangat. Pandai melawak jugak. Cuma bab melukis tu hancus sikit. Coach Dollah kalau baca jangan marah ehh.

Ada jugak main game just untuk ceriakan suasana. Game sorok tangan. Game Zombie. Aku pulak kena jadi zombie. Jalan macam tempang, macam zombie dalam Plants vs Zombie tu. Pastu team yang kalah kena menari chicken dance dengan baby shark. Team aku kena menari baby shark. Teringat pulak kat si kecik Maryam ❤️. Mak siap rekod lagi kiteorang menari haha. Jangan harap lah aku nak upload kat sini, segan oi!

Lepas tu boleh terus balik. Coach dia lepaskan kita on time, tu yang best tu. Takdela melarat2 macam typical janji Melayu.

Overall aku rasa bersemangat sikit nak kuruskan badan. Entah percubaan kali ke berapa entah ni. Kali ni kena istiqomah. Sebab dah ada ilmu yang betul insyaallah boleh buat.

Aja aja fighting!!

JK1M 2017

Kelmarin mak tiba2 cakap

"Jom along kita join Jom Kurus yang Kevin Zahri tu"

Aku diam. Lama aku fikir. Sebenarnya ada terdetik jugak tapi tak tahulah kenapa aku tak join. Ni dah ada geng aku rasa ok lah. At least ada kawan.

Dah lama aku ada masalah ni. Masalah berat badan. Aku tahu je aku ni "fluffy". Lepas tu pulak baker, jenis yang kalau bake memang berdiri je. Malam sakit tumit. Setiap kali rasa macam tu aku berazam nak kuruskan badan. Tapi azam tu hilang bila nampak makanan best2.

Ya, aku suka makan. Ade ke orang yang tak suka makan? Makan best kot. Lepas tu malas nak exercise. Memangla makin lama mengembang macam belon kena pam. Lepas tu mula la bising sakit kaki.

Program dia start sabtu ni 9.9.2017. 6 minggu. Aku excited dalam masa yang sama takut. Entahlah, mungkin aku ada fear of success? Tapi kaki aku memang betul2 harapkan badan aku ni kurang sikit berat dia, sebab sekarang kalau bangun lepas duduk lama pon kaki sakit. Tapi lama2 ok lah.

Erm kau. Ye kau. Aku tahu *kadang2* kau bukak blog ni. Aku dok terpikir kat ko beberapa hari ni. Kenapa tah. Hope ko ok.

Btw, mungkin aku akan update pasal JK1M ni weekly. Semoga berjaya. Hehe.

Wonder woman

Most people that are close to me have told me that I'm like a child. I'm not entirely sure that it is childlike [positive]  or childish [negative], but I take it as a good thing.

I always live in my own world and have the crazy idea that things will work out in the end. I like to watch disney movies and some of them I know by heart. When bad things happen I always find a good in them. I like to act goofy and sometimes stupid to make people around me smile. It's as if I'm always floating in this cloud of joy.

But since we get the earth shattering news early this year, I feel like something has pulled my leg to the ground and smack me with reality. Some might call it, growing up?

I always worry. I can't seem to find the light at the end of tunnel. Even though I always put a strong face and try to act goofy especially in tough times, I feel like I'm fooling myself. And you know what I realize?

GROWING up sucks big time.

It's been a while that I release the child in me and I can feel it screaming to get out. I want to release it badly. I just forget how.

Business aren't so good these days. I've even considered finding an office job. There's a war inside me between sticking to this baking thing, finding a job or finally finalize my cafe idea. It's happening every day and I'm tired of it. Might be the reason why I slept a lot these days.

I overcome some of my fear this year. I finally confessed to my hight school crush and able to move on from him. I do some bold promoting. I actually jogged. But you know what, the cafe idea is my biggest fear and my ultimate dream at the same time. People say that if your dreams doesn't scare you, it's not big enough. Yes I'm scared. I found a million excuses to not do this now. But at the same time I ask myself if now now, then, when?

Another thing, the love life thing. I tried. As much as it's hard to find love when your work revolves around your house it's even harder when you're fat. Yes I know I'm fat, I realize it, I'm not delusional. I'm okay with it. The problem is, other people, specifically guys, don't. And I'm not using that as an excuse, but it's definitely a reason.

I'm currently on Gilmore Girls rerun marathon and I come across this scene where Lorelai is upset because she's finally together together with Christopher but his girlfriend Sherry is pregnant thus ending the thing between them. She confessed to Luke

"I feel like I’m never gonna have it. . .the whole package, you know? That person, that couple life, and I swear, I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Wonder Woman, but. . .I really want it – the whole package."

And guess what, that hits me in the feels, every freaking time. And I realize it because I actually feel the same way. And it sucks.

Okay that's all. There's a plate of mi raja with my name on it calling me so I have to go eat my moreh, see yah later!