Thursday, June 8, 2017

Wonder woman

Most people that are close to me have told me that I'm like a child. I'm not entirely sure that it is childlike [positive]  or childish [negative], but I take it as a good thing.

I always live in my own world and have the crazy idea that things will work out in the end. I like to watch disney movies and some of them I know by heart. When bad things happen I always find a good in them. I like to act goofy and sometimes stupid to make people around me smile. It's as if I'm always floating in this cloud of joy.

But since we get the earth shattering news early this year, I feel like something has pulled my leg to the ground and smack me with reality. Some might call it, growing up?

I always worry. I can't seem to find the light at the end of tunnel. Even though I always put a strong face and try to act goofy especially in tough times, I feel like I'm fooling myself. And you know what I realize?

GROWING up sucks big time.

It's been a while that I release the child in me and I can feel it screaming to get out. I want to release it badly. I just forget how.

Business aren't so good these days. I've even considered finding an office job. There's a war inside me between sticking to this baking thing, finding a job or finally finalize my cafe idea. It's happening every day and I'm tired of it. Might be the reason why I slept a lot these days.

I overcome some of my fear this year. I finally confessed to my hight school crush and able to move on from him. I do some bold promoting. I actually jogged. But you know what, the cafe idea is my biggest fear and my ultimate dream at the same time. People say that if your dreams doesn't scare you, it's not big enough. Yes I'm scared. I found a million excuses to not do this now. But at the same time I ask myself if now now, then, when?

Another thing, the love life thing. I tried. As much as it's hard to find love when your work revolves around your house it's even harder when you're fat. Yes I know I'm fat, I realize it, I'm not delusional. I'm okay with it. The problem is, other people, specifically guys, don't. And I'm not using that as an excuse, but it's definitely a reason.

I'm currently on Gilmore Girls rerun marathon and I come across this scene where Lorelai is upset because she's finally together together with Christopher but his girlfriend Sherry is pregnant thus ending the thing between them. She confessed to Luke

"I feel like I’m never gonna have it. . .the whole package, you know? That person, that couple life, and I swear, I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Wonder Woman, but. . .I really want it – the whole package."

And guess what, that hits me in the feels, every freaking time. And I realize it because I actually feel the same way. And it sucks.

Okay that's all. There's a plate of mi raja with my name on it calling me so I have to go eat my moreh, see yah later!

Monday, May 29, 2017

Incik H

I dreamt of him last night. I never really have a real face to face conversation with him so my stupid brain made up this ridiculous slang he talks in.

Hesitating to tell him will only makes me think about him all day long yet that's what I choose. I've confessed to him yet he rejected me. Even though he said it nicely, rejection is still a rejection. I thought I've moved on but here we are again.

Different topic, today is my fist official day to make Biskut KL this year. A bit excited to have a constant project to make every day. I have hired helpers, they are my brother and his wife, which makes things better because I don't have to have a stranger in the house helping me.

So far, fasting this time doesn't make me hungry or thirsty, but sleepy all the time. I feel like these 2 days of fasting come and go as a blur, like I'm some kind of zombie or something.

Okay some encouragement to make Biskut KL. You're going bigger this year, it's normal to be scared. Don't let being scared stopped you from doing it. There are people who love your cookies and you are doing it for them, so don't lose hope even when you're feeling bored. I mean, they is what the laptop is for. You owe it to them and to past young and hopeful you to make it. And who knows,  maybe you can afford to buy a machine to scoop the  damn thing this year, so that you won't have to scoop next year. So, go now!

Xo xo

Saturday, May 27, 2017

First Ramadhan

Alhamdulillah done first day of fasting this year, with adequate food for buka. It doesn't feel like fasting, maybe because the bot so warm weather and maybe so because of the works done today occupies my mind from waiting for maghrib or feeling hungry.

I actually have a few concerns regarding this year's Biskut KL project and it was always the same every time; what if nobody will buy them or the worst of all, what if it [the cookies itself] doesn't turn out as good as I have hoped?

I know it's silly to think of that. We use the same damn recipe each time. Insyaallah the outcome will be lovely. I've already screwed up by buying slightly larger jar that I suppose which makes it easy to just pour the cookies into the jar but the jar wasn't full is my concern. The amount of cookies is the same as last year but since the jar is bigger, it seems like it's not.

Okay enough of the silly rant, I'll go pray now. Have a good one!

Friday, May 19, 2017

Boxing chicken

Just sitting here waiting for the creampuff to puff. It's 11.09pm. Had a long day; tired,  yes, yet fulfilling. It's almost Ramadhan and I can't wait. The month full of baraqah. Although the days will be a bit boring with making cookies but tarawikh and moreh is my favourite. It's nice to be under one roof with people who give their heart to Allah in this month. Fasting, on this dog days suppose to make us appreciate all the things that we have and remind us of people who have less. It's a beautiful month.

Noon today I went to Putrajaya to see a friend then to Uniten to fetch my brother. Oh how time flies, just a blink of an eye suddenly my brother is in college.

In the a.m I went to buy some of the supplies to make my glorious Biskut KL. I missed some things but glass half full, I got a lot and most of the items on sale! Imagine buying them in bulk. Oh alhamdulillah thats why I love Ramadhan, not even here yet and the rizqi already rolling in.

There's still a lot to do in the Biskut KL section. I need to list down one by one so that I won't miss a thing.

I honestly don't know when did this blog turns to my "diary" but writing [typing]  once in a while sure is fun. Especially when you have a lot in mind and nobody to talk to. And I feel safe in account of knowing nobody actually reads this or at least not until down here and for those who did, I'm very grateful there's still some dummy 😝 who read this crap. Please don't ask me about anything in here because if you know, you know. Or else, you don't.

By the way, my dinner today. Boxing chicken 😂

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Lost

Ever had the day when you feel down and tired, doesn't have the mood to do anything, feel angry at everyone, and feel lonely at the same time?

I don't know what or who to blame for this, usually I'm a pretty positive person. Might be because there's so much to do until I feel paralyzed and just lay there, not doing anything.

Some has said that when you're in a bad mood, possibly that you missed someone. But the problem is, who? I hate to walk around with this dark cloud over my head. I hate to be a cry baby and reduced to tears for every little things. There's been a while I feel empty inside. Disconnected. Lost.

Okay self, you need to take one day at a time. You might want to be close to your maker. Stop and take a deep breath once in a while. And stop whining.