Thursday, June 8, 2017

Wonder woman

Most people that are close to me have told me that I'm like a child. I'm not entirely sure that it is childlike [positive]  or childish [negative], but I take it as a good thing.

I always live in my own world and have the crazy idea that things will work out in the end. I like to watch disney movies and some of them I know by heart. When bad things happen I always find a good in them. I like to act goofy and sometimes stupid to make people around me smile. It's as if I'm always floating in this cloud of joy.

But since we get the earth shattering news early this year, I feel like something has pulled my leg to the ground and smack me with reality. Some might call it, growing up?

I always worry. I can't seem to find the light at the end of tunnel. Even though I always put a strong face and try to act goofy especially in tough times, I feel like I'm fooling myself. And you know what I realize?

GROWING up sucks big time.

It's been a while that I release the child in me and I can feel it screaming to get out. I want to release it badly. I just forget how.

Business aren't so good these days. I've even considered finding an office job. There's a war inside me between sticking to this baking thing, finding a job or finally finalize my cafe idea. It's happening every day and I'm tired of it. Might be the reason why I slept a lot these days.

I overcome some of my fear this year. I finally confessed to my hight school crush and able to move on from him. I do some bold promoting. I actually jogged. But you know what, the cafe idea is my biggest fear and my ultimate dream at the same time. People say that if your dreams doesn't scare you, it's not big enough. Yes I'm scared. I found a million excuses to not do this now. But at the same time I ask myself if now now, then, when?

Another thing, the love life thing. I tried. As much as it's hard to find love when your work revolves around your house it's even harder when you're fat. Yes I know I'm fat, I realize it, I'm not delusional. I'm okay with it. The problem is, other people, specifically guys, don't. And I'm not using that as an excuse, but it's definitely a reason.

I'm currently on Gilmore Girls rerun marathon and I come across this scene where Lorelai is upset because she's finally together together with Christopher but his girlfriend Sherry is pregnant thus ending the thing between them. She confessed to Luke

"I feel like I’m never gonna have it. . .the whole package, you know? That person, that couple life, and I swear, I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Wonder Woman, but. . .I really want it – the whole package."

And guess what, that hits me in the feels, every freaking time. And I realize it because I actually feel the same way. And it sucks.

Okay that's all. There's a plate of mi raja with my name on it calling me so I have to go eat my moreh, see yah later!

Monday, May 29, 2017

Incik H

I dreamt of him last night. I never really have a real face to face conversation with him so my stupid brain made up this ridiculous slang he talks in.

Hesitating to tell him will only makes me think about him all day long yet that's what I choose. I've confessed to him yet he rejected me. Even though he said it nicely, rejection is still a rejection. I thought I've moved on but here we are again.

Different topic, today is my fist official day to make Biskut KL this year. A bit excited to have a constant project to make every day. I have hired helpers, they are my brother and his wife, which makes things better because I don't have to have a stranger in the house helping me.

So far, fasting this time doesn't make me hungry or thirsty, but sleepy all the time. I feel like these 2 days of fasting come and go as a blur, like I'm some kind of zombie or something.

Okay some encouragement to make Biskut KL. You're going bigger this year, it's normal to be scared. Don't let being scared stopped you from doing it. There are people who love your cookies and you are doing it for them, so don't lose hope even when you're feeling bored. I mean, they is what the laptop is for. You owe it to them and to past young and hopeful you to make it. And who knows,  maybe you can afford to buy a machine to scoop the  damn thing this year, so that you won't have to scoop next year. So, go now!

Xo xo

Saturday, May 27, 2017

First Ramadhan

Alhamdulillah done first day of fasting this year, with adequate food for buka. It doesn't feel like fasting, maybe because the bot so warm weather and maybe so because of the works done today occupies my mind from waiting for maghrib or feeling hungry.

I actually have a few concerns regarding this year's Biskut KL project and it was always the same every time; what if nobody will buy them or the worst of all, what if it [the cookies itself] doesn't turn out as good as I have hoped?

I know it's silly to think of that. We use the same damn recipe each time. Insyaallah the outcome will be lovely. I've already screwed up by buying slightly larger jar that I suppose which makes it easy to just pour the cookies into the jar but the jar wasn't full is my concern. The amount of cookies is the same as last year but since the jar is bigger, it seems like it's not.

Okay enough of the silly rant, I'll go pray now. Have a good one!

Friday, May 19, 2017

Boxing chicken

Just sitting here waiting for the creampuff to puff. It's 11.09pm. Had a long day; tired,  yes, yet fulfilling. It's almost Ramadhan and I can't wait. The month full of baraqah. Although the days will be a bit boring with making cookies but tarawikh and moreh is my favourite. It's nice to be under one roof with people who give their heart to Allah in this month. Fasting, on this dog days suppose to make us appreciate all the things that we have and remind us of people who have less. It's a beautiful month.

Noon today I went to Putrajaya to see a friend then to Uniten to fetch my brother. Oh how time flies, just a blink of an eye suddenly my brother is in college.

In the a.m I went to buy some of the supplies to make my glorious Biskut KL. I missed some things but glass half full, I got a lot and most of the items on sale! Imagine buying them in bulk. Oh alhamdulillah thats why I love Ramadhan, not even here yet and the rizqi already rolling in.

There's still a lot to do in the Biskut KL section. I need to list down one by one so that I won't miss a thing.

I honestly don't know when did this blog turns to my "diary" but writing [typing]  once in a while sure is fun. Especially when you have a lot in mind and nobody to talk to. And I feel safe in account of knowing nobody actually reads this or at least not until down here and for those who did, I'm very grateful there's still some dummy 😝 who read this crap. Please don't ask me about anything in here because if you know, you know. Or else, you don't.

By the way, my dinner today. Boxing chicken 😂

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Lost

Ever had the day when you feel down and tired, doesn't have the mood to do anything, feel angry at everyone, and feel lonely at the same time?

I don't know what or who to blame for this, usually I'm a pretty positive person. Might be because there's so much to do until I feel paralyzed and just lay there, not doing anything.

Some has said that when you're in a bad mood, possibly that you missed someone. But the problem is, who? I hate to walk around with this dark cloud over my head. I hate to be a cry baby and reduced to tears for every little things. There's been a while I feel empty inside. Disconnected. Lost.

Okay self, you need to take one day at a time. You might want to be close to your maker. Stop and take a deep breath once in a while. And stop whining.

Friday, April 28, 2017

28

There's no need to read this, I just need to get something out of my chest
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We started out life at zero. Zero years old. Zero thoughts. Zero money. Zero friends. Zero capability. As the days roll by, we learned how to be. How to, turn around. Crawl. Walk. Run. Talk. All the basic things that makes us human. And after years, we went to kindergarden. Learn to socialize. Make friends. A B C, 1 2 3. Enter school, we learn a bit about the world. Basic math. Language and so on. High school. we learn about teenagers. The school politics. We started to notice the opposite gender. Some might start to date and so on. Then we enter the real world.

For me, I further my studies at a local college. Probably because we're not exposed to other possibilities. Even the course I choose; Electrical Engineering. Sounds generic, I know, believe me. I took engineering because I thought it would be easy. Boy was I wrong. But I manage to graduate with 3.00 CGPA which is kinda ok I guess. I found love in my college life. I found passion too. No, get your head out of the gutter. My passion, baking.

For someone who actually bakes when she's waving the red flag, which is almost every month, I didn't realize how much I love doing it until I'm on my final year. And since I'm almost done with the degree, I decided to just finish it, I'm the type of person who don't like to leave in the middle of the job. After getting my degree, I worked for like, 3 months. My job is not hard, but I can actually see what will happen if I stayed there. It's soul sucking. I promise myself that I won't be the person who loves Fridays because she hates her job. And that was exactly what I become. I can't wait for Fridays. I just want to sleep on weekend. I hate waking up and go to work. I become the person that I fear I'll be.

Until one day I took a bold decision to quit. I don't want to be slave to my work. I thought that if I look for a while, I might found some place that I'll like. Interviews after interviews, I keep "slack off" and unconsciously sabotage my interview. My mind already know that this isn't what I want to do. So I stopped searching. I decided to do online baking business.

As far as business go, Sometimes the orders are flooding and sometimes, nothing. The economy doesn't help. And that is actually what I'm going through now. I know I have to do something. I even considered going back to work but my heart keeps protesting. My mind know it won't be sunny forever, there are times that rain will come down. And that is what I'm worried of. I don't want to depend on my parents forever.

It's my 28th birthday today. As you get older, honestly birthdays are not the day you receive tons of presents and cakes anymore. It's the time you reflect what your life have come to. Are you better than last year? Happier? I don't know exactly what is the meter on success, but I feel like I've failed every aspect that life have.

First of all, my career. Nowhere. I don't see it going anywhere and I don't even know where did all of these come from. I used to be optimistic. But optimism doesn't pay your bills. And nor do paranoia. Second, my social life. I'm not married and nowhere near that. I don't even have a boyfriend or love interest. And since I work from home, my friends list aren't growing. Third, my health. Alhamdulillah for now I don't have any health problem. But my weight isn't the ideal weight. I know it's unhealthy. I tried, trust me. Maybe not hard enough, but I tried.

I know I should stop whining here and do something, because I read a saying
"If you don't like where you at in life, move. You're not a tree"
I honestly like sayings like that. soft but brutal enough.

What can I do about it? Let me break it down by number;

1. My Career
I always have these crazy ideas that I know I'll like if I make them. But I don't know where the scaredy voice that afraid it might not work come from. Sometimes I keep procrastinating from doing it. So first of all, always have your small book and pen around, if there's a new idea you have to make it come true in 48 hours. If there's order I'll allow another 24 hours. Promise?

2. Social life
Since I don't really have any love interest besides sam winchester for the time being, I think this one can wait

3. Health
I know you've started jogging before Europe, but since you sprained your ankle, you're afraid to jog. That's okay, find another way to exercise. Swim, I know you love that. Swim at least once a week for starters. Okay? And eat more greens and fruits, help around the house more. Don't be a leech.

There, we have a guideline. So we'll see what will happen next year same day. I really hope there's change in at least 2 out of 3 of the above okay.

And oh, happy birthday!

Monday, February 6, 2017

Hyper Act Bukan Untukku (Maksud Lirik)

Nak try something new: analisis lagu Hyper Act yang puitis ini.
Ini liriknya:

Malamku tak berbintang Siangku hanya berlari-lari Apakah tanda makna mengenalimu Sekadar mimpi Jariku sentuh dinginku rasai Kosong tiada makna Diamnya tak berkata Hanya aku yang tak pernah Mengejar kejora kau janji bersama Walau dirimu berharga tidak kau bahagia Jika ku bersama denganmu Tanpa sayap cintamu Tak akan ku terbang setinggi ini Ku tuju langit cerah Rupanya kelam kabus menanti Percaya kasih Ku cuba sedaya Namun tiada beza Biar ku undurkan diri Hanya aku yang tak pernah Mengejar kejora kau janji bersama Walau dirimu berharga tidak kau bahagia Jika ku bersama denganmu Hanya aku yang tak pernah Mengejar kejora kau janji bersama Walau dirimu berharga tidak kau bahagia Jika ku bersama denganmu Mungkin kecewa mencari Gelapnya berteman ku rindu selama Namun harusku mengerti kiranya kau disisi Cinta mu bukannya untukku

Overall:
Lagu ni pasal cinta. Of course lah kan pasal cinta kan. Dua orang bercinta, mula-mula hangat lepas tu lama-lama sorang tu jatuh cinta kat orang lain, meninggalkan pasangan dia [yang nyanyi lagu ni] syok sendiri sorang-sorang. Lets say pasangan ni nama dia A dan B, A yang nyanyi lagu ni dan B adalah pasangan dia. Sambung cerita balik, bila B dah terjatuh cinta kat orang lain, dia masih nak teruskan hubungan dengan A, mungkin sayangkan hubungan yang dah lama terbina. Tapi A tahu yang B ni dah cinta benor dengan orang lain tu, jadi dia decide untuk lepaskan B walaupun dia sedih.

Okay jom analisis perenggan demi perenggan:

"Malamku tak berbintang
Siangku hanya berlari-lari
Apakah tanda makna mengenalimu
Sekadar mimpi"

Penyanyi rasa hidup dia macam tak real; macam dalam mimpi dengan apa yang sedang berlaku. Mungkin apa yang berlaku terlalu pahit/manis untuk dia. Semua orang pernah rasa macam tu kan?
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"Jariku sentuh dinginku rasai
Kosong tiada makna
Diamnya tak berkata"

Penyanyi cuba nak approach pasangan dia ni. Walaupun pasangan dia respon, dia tahu yang respon tu bukan dari hati, hanya untuk be polite nak jaga hati dia sahaja. Kalau dulu mula-mula bercinta semua benda nak cerita, sekarang semua benda pendam. Kalau dulu, walaupun diam dia rasa bahagia hanya duduk bersama-sama pasangan dia, sekarang kalau diam rasa kosong, rasa janggal sangat.
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"Hanya aku yang tak pernah
Mengejar kejora kau janji bersama
Walau dirimu berharga tidak kau bahagia
Jika ku bersama denganmu"

Penyanyi sedar yang cinta diorang tak bertahan lama, semua janji manis masa mula-mula bercinta dulu hanya tinggal janji. Dan mungkin janji yang sama dah dibuat oleh pasangan dia dengan "orang baru", mungkin sebab tu lirik dia "hanya aku yang tak pernah" instead of "aku tak pernah", macam ada perbandingan dengan orang lain. Walaupun dia sayang sungguh, dia tahu jauh disudut hati pasangan dia dah tak ada penyanyi ni, dia taknak jadi penyebab kepada ketidak-bahagiaan pasangan dia.
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"Tanpa sayap cintamu
Tak akan ku terbang setinggi ini
Ku tuju langit cerah
Rupanya kelam kabus menanti"

Penyanyi rasa bahagia pernah berkenalan dan bercinta dengan pasangan dia ni. Kalau boleh sampai bila-bila dia nak rasa bahagia macam ni. Dia nak percintaan diorang sentiasa bahagia, mungkin sampai berkahwin dan beranak pinak, tapi baru dia sedar yang ada masalah besar tengah melanda diorang.
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"Percaya kasih
Ku cuba sedaya
Namun tiada beza
Biar ku undurkan diri"

Rasanya maksud yang ni agak literal kot; penyanyi dah cuba apa yang dia mampu untuk selamatkan perhubungan diorang tapi apa yang dia buat semua tak berhasil. Jadi dia ambil keputusan untuk mengundurkan diri daripada perhubungan tu.
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"Mungkin kecewa mencari
Gelapnya berteman ku rindu selama
Namun harusku mengerti kiranya kau disisi
Cinta mu bukannya untukku"

Penyanyi tahu yang dia takkan jadi sempurna tanpa pasangan dia. Dia akan sentiasa rindukan kehadiran pasangan dia. Dia akan patah hati. Tapi dia juga tahu kalau dia teruskan perhubungan tu, hati pasangan dia dah bukan dengan dia. Hati pasangan dia dah jadi milik orang lain.
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Faham tak betapa bosannya daku sampai buat analisis lagu? haha 

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

The big C

You are made by Allah. And by all means, we won't give up. Don't be so smug sitting there in my brother's colon, you think you're special?

NAH!

You're just some mutated cells gone wrong.
You just have your kind with you.
We have each other.
We have families.
We have friends.
We have hope.
We have medicine.
We have the biggest of all; Allah
Allah is with us



No matter how powerful you think you are,  Allah is greater. He is the greatest. And we'll keep praying to him to get rid of you, so don't get comfortable there.

And if you think we gonna be all down and weepy all the time, you clearly don't know us. There's a fire in my heart that could burn the whole world to see my brother being healthy again. To see him and his new bride build a family together, raise their child together and grow old together. That, more than anything else is enough for us to try anything and keep going,  and insyaallah cure him and get rid of you, forever.

Allah can give you to him, and as easy as that He can get rid of you.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

We're coming for you