Most people that are close to me have told me that I'm like a child. I'm not entirely sure that it is childlike [positive] or childish [negative], but I take it as a good thing.
I always live in my own world and have the crazy idea that things will work out in the end. I like to watch disney movies and some of them I know by heart. When bad things happen I always find a good in them. I like to act goofy and sometimes stupid to make people around me smile. It's as if I'm always floating in this cloud of joy.
But since we get the earth shattering news early this year, I feel like something has pulled my leg to the ground and smack me with reality. Some might call it, growing up?
I always worry. I can't seem to find the light at the end of tunnel. Even though I always put a strong face and try to act goofy especially in tough times, I feel like I'm fooling myself. And you know what I realize?
GROWING up sucks big time.
It's been a while that I release the child in me and I can feel it screaming to get out. I want to release it badly. I just forget how.
Business aren't so good these days. I've even considered finding an office job. There's a war inside me between sticking to this baking thing, finding a job or finally finalize my cafe idea. It's happening every day and I'm tired of it. Might be the reason why I slept a lot these days.
I overcome some of my fear this year. I finally confessed to my hight school crush and able to move on from him. I do some bold promoting. I actually jogged. But you know what, the cafe idea is my biggest fear and my ultimate dream at the same time. People say that if your dreams doesn't scare you, it's not big enough. Yes I'm scared. I found a million excuses to not do this now. But at the same time I ask myself if now now, then, when?
Another thing, the love life thing. I tried. As much as it's hard to find love when your work revolves around your house it's even harder when you're fat. Yes I know I'm fat, I realize it, I'm not delusional. I'm okay with it. The problem is, other people, specifically guys, don't. And I'm not using that as an excuse, but it's definitely a reason.
I'm currently on Gilmore Girls rerun marathon and I come across this scene where Lorelai is upset because she's finally together together with Christopher but his girlfriend Sherry is pregnant thus ending the thing between them. She confessed to Luke
"I feel like I’m never gonna have it. . .the whole package, you know? That person, that couple life, and I swear, I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Wonder Woman, but. . .I really want it – the whole package."
And guess what, that hits me in the feels, every freaking time. And I realize it because I actually feel the same way. And it sucks.
Okay that's all. There's a plate of mi raja with my name on it calling me so I have to go eat my moreh, see yah later!