The pay

 Oh shit! He DO really love me, didn't he? 

As if that's a curse. As if she don't want this too. As if it didn't make her happy, but guilty at the same time. 

But why?

Looking at yesterday, it's obvious. His heart beats fast when he embraced her, she can actually hear it. He's awfully happy when she made it, her goal travelling all the way here. A 3000km flight plus 2 hours car ride. All those trainings. The anticipation. She made it. And she can see how determined he is to help her make it come true. He ignored when his friends say no. Go back. He guide her hand all the way up, even when she's just like a shell of herself at that moment. He told her

"I will be sad if you didn't reach your goal coming here" 

And all the efforts. Yes, a girl notices all the small efforts. How he never hovers too close but always nearby to make sure she's safe. How he never nag but give some wisdom, say the right things when her smile falters. How he actually cook for her when no one else in his position, at least none she ever heard of, has ever done this. The way he gives her his rain coat when it rains, and he hold his umbrella up to her when she said the rain coat still make her clothes wet. How he always smile and point to the her favorite mushroom that they passed through, the whole trip, even when she's too tired to notice it. How when he knows she like to look at all the faunas and floras, he will point out each one that's rare (maybe that's his job nature, but she still appreciate it). How he asked small things about her and remembers them. How he looks sad when they part ways.

The thing is, this is rare. And when she asked him

"Why me? You met tons of people every day" 

He just said

"Because of the way you make me feel. With you, I feel different"

Yes, the feels. She feel it too. In fact, she felt it when they first met, thats why she avoids him at first (literal avoidance attachment I suppose). Part of her comes back because of him. Even when she never admits it out lout. This trip, she sees the proof. 

Lets start with the way he make her feel. He make her feel... safe. All her life, she's always been the one who takes care of others. The one who notices everyone's side eyes, sighs, silent tears. The one who can anticipate things that others can't even fathom. But with him, she feels like a child, in a good way. She feel seen and taken care of. It's not a feeling she often feel outside of her family & friends circle. It's weird. They only met two times. Yes, two. Not even enough number to count your fingers. 

Then the little things he did. Then, the payment. Oh keep your head out of the gutter, it's not like that. He's supposed to help her with something and she pays him. Thats the way things like this go. But when she asks him about it, he said there's no need.

"You don't need to pay me. You've give me more" 

She then do the maths. This isn't some 2, 3 dollars worth of things. It's supposed to be hundreds of dollars. Yes, that much. Then comes the panic. 

Oh shit! He DO really love me, didn't he?

This isn't supposed to happen. They have nothing in common, literally. Except for their love of the activity she flew here to do itself. Not geographical, not race, not culture, not the way they view the world. It's like if a farm boy falls in love with the princess, I guess.

This will wither in time

She hopes. Because if it blooms, it will raise all sorts of hell for both of them. And to be honest, she don't think they both can handle it without burning their worlds. 

Off French Fries and Grape Soda

 It was a fine working day for me. Well, every working day is, not to say physically exhausting, but the mental load I have to bear is quite humongous, since it's my first week handling cases alone. It didn't dawn to me until this incident that all of that might have taken a toll on my psyche, or maybe it's just a process through my learning curve to deliver this job.

I went home with a craving for fried chicken from this new fried chicken franchise that just opened. Well not to say I have tasted this one before, at least not here. I actually have tasted it in its original country when I went for Umrah few years back. Yes, it's Al-Baik chicken. I loved it back then, since they injected the spices into the chicken before they fried them, making the spice literally seeps into the chicken.

Having though that, I went to the place, and ordered a set. I ordered a 2 piece set, with grape soda. As they take their own sweet time to prepare the food, and my patience are running thin, when they call my number, I just went to take the to-go order without checking. I was excited to jump start eating the fries in my car while driving home. I started my car straight away and drive. At the first red traffic light, my hand reach for the fries from inside the plastic bag, only to notice they're not there. "Maybe its inside the chicken boxes", I thought, and look, but sure enough, it's not.

My eyes started to get misty. I want my fries! Where's my piping hot fries? I've been craving for fries for about a month now, so imagine my disappointment when it's not there. I flipped. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this hormonal woman who's on her period flipped over some fries. I turn my car around back to the chicken joint while tears running down my dark brown crystals.

When I reached the place, I take a few deep breath to calm myself down. I get out of car, went inside the joint with the plastic bag containing my recently bought food, and the workers are puzzled to see me there. I went straight to the empty counter with a stern expression and voice, I said "There's no fries. And garlic sauce". I look at them, to see if they're listening. They nodded, straight away prepare my fries. "... and I ask for grape soda, NOT orange soda", I take out the orange soda and put it on the counter. Realising their mistake, it took them less than a mere minute to prepare both fries and grape soda. When they put it all in my plastic bag, I said "garlic sauce", still the same stern face and voice. They give me a larger container of garlic sauce instead of individual one, which I'm sure its because they felt guilty. I reach for the plastic and checked for everything, and with the same stern expression "thank you", I take the plastic bag containing the food and storm out of the joint.

There it is. I'm a happy woman now. I got my fries. All is right with the world. To be completely honest, I have half a mind to give the worker some piece of my mind for not checking my order properly, but I give them a pass. It's my mistake too for not checking before I get to my car. I usually do, though. I think my stern, tear stained face has been enough they they remember to check orders before giving them to other customers.

So, that's the end of the story. Not to say its a big story, but I can't seem to get it out of my mind, thus me telling it here. Have a great weekend folks! 

Xo xo

Walls

I promised I'd check in but hey, it's 3 weeks later and here I am. Well at least I'm here, shut up!

So. My training at work almost over. Not to say I know everything that is to know about my job exactly, but I think I know enough. And frankly I'm grateful they didn't just sic the work on me raw without any trainings.

How was it? Its overwhelming at first, new things always are. But it gets better. Colleagues are all nice, including the boss, whick I don't think just anyone could experience. I'm lucky.

The thing I want to talk about today. Walls. As I'm sure, everyone has built walls around themto protect themselves from something, you name it; from being hurt, from being seen, from all their secrets. Myself included. And yes, in the recent years, I realize I have this fear of beeing seen. Probably from childhood trauma or something, I'm not sure (or I rather not say :p). I'm always nice, but I push people away when I feel like I'm starting to care about them. Yes, avoidance attachment.

I have a friend that willalways reach out to eve even when I'm being an asshole to her. She knows how much I care about her despite me always pushing her away many times. I think she's the first person to bring that wall down. And I thank God for her. 

The walls are still there, but after her, they were torn down more, no less by Pound. Sounds strange, isn't it? Before Pound, I have trouble with people hugging me. Not even my family and close friends. Of course I tolerate it from time to time, but the general verdict is: I dont like them. Litlle by little, Pound Pros (there's one in particular but I wont put her name here) torn this wall down by hugging me and asking how I am after almost each session, and I feel myself opening up. Funnily enough, this coincide with me still being a psych student, so I am more aware of my feelings.

Feelings are a funny thing. Naming them too. And what to do with them? We need to sit with them, let us feel them. Thwn we can move on. Sounds cliché, isn't it? But it works for me. If you're sad, cry. Yes crying isn't pleasant at the moment, but it helps you regulate that sad emotion. Don't block them.

My new job, I think is doing a great job in tearing the walls down further. It's because this job requires me to be genuine and empathetic. Not everyone can do this, not saying that I'm the most capable or I'm an angel, but I want to do this. To add value in someone's life.

So, yeah. There we are.

Xo xo

Prodigal daughter goes to work

So, yes. It's my first day of work. I'm not sure if I ever updated whether I got the job or not, but I do. And today is my first day.

My working hour is actually 9-6, but due to traffic, I started my journey at 6.40-ish. I just arrived (7.40-ish). Woah the traffic is, well a challenge.

Excited. Nervous. Well, new things does that to you. Hope I can manage and adapt. See ya!

Bombers; Jalapeno

 So here it comes. I make my own jalapeno bombers. But, since its my first time, its still a fixer upper (sighs).

I make the damn thing by just deseeding jalapeno, cut them into small pieces, then shred the cheese (I use red cheese), flour, egg, flour, egg then panko.

What can I improve? 

Red cheese are a bit overpowering by its own in this. So I think for the next time, we should add cream cheese to it. The ratio of cheese to jalapeno shouldn't be 1:1, Maybe like 3:1, 1 being the jalapeno. We should cut the jalapeno finer, and blanch it longer, to soften it up. Maybe add some paprika powder + a bit of salt since we're adding the cream cheese. Taste the damn thing before rolling it, yes you can taste it because it doesn't contain any egg.

This batch, maybe we can eat it with some ketchup or something? 

So yeah. Thats that. Here's some pictures. Enjoy! 

The Red Windbreaker

 A couple of things:

• Blogging is fun!
• If I'm Pounding in my long windbreaker, when I want to record videos of myself, I need to zip up the sumbitch. It's unflattering.

I've had processed my recent interview and I gotta say, I still want it. Working there. Despite the place being literally in the heart of jammed highway, I think I can learn a lot there. Of course there's a lot to work on, but good thing this place believe in learning curve. They train new intakes. Even when interviewing, they tell me that all the skills will be learn in training session, and it takes time to get used to working there, and I believe them. They even dedicate Friday evenings for meetings and sharing among therapists there, focusing on their mental health, since they believe its vital for people in this line of work to have good be in good mental health, and this work require lots of mental and physical energy.

About Pound, oh yes, I even mentioned Pound in the interview. Why? Because after talking, they give me time to see for myself how they work, and I get to experience the activities with the students there. They have a playtime session, which the student chooses what activity they want to do. This cutie kid choses to hide and seek, more like cat and mouse, they run and we try to catch them. I had fun doing that, not gonna lie. I run to catch the kid. And the interviewer saw this. They said that they're impressed I could run quite fast, that's where I told them that I do Pound, and mentioned that there's generation Pound, which is for kids, not just normal ones but also neurodivergent ones. They seem interested. 

I'm actually feeling better. No voices. So I don't think the thing on Monday is an episode, probably just me feeling overwhelmed because that was literally my first interview ever in ages. So kudos to that. Im still trying to avoid social media, but I dont want to miss out on things. FOMO much?. I just, we, Rep girlies are still clowning over maybe Tay will release Rep TV on CNY, since the next year is snake year. But to be completely honest, I didn't get my hopes that high. Never did. I actually like Rep the way it is. Just curious about the vault track.

 We have people coming here today since its a holiday. So gotta go help mum in the kitchen. Yeah daughter of the year, I know ><.

Xo xo pipol

Have a great holiday!

Mad at Disney

 I'm mad at Disney Disney

They tricked me, tricked me

Got me wishing on a shooting star~

My interview went smoothly just now. Alhamdulillah. It's a really good opportunity for me if I actually got the job. The employees are really nice, they even give me a chance to sit in a session with the kids. And I really like they way they conduct things there. It all felt natural.

On the other side of things, I think its back. The voices. I'm a bit concerned. Okay thats a lie. I'm concerned big time. I hope I can manage them this time. It's been a while.

I think thats all for now. I notice people actually are still reading? I'm not sure if I should be flattered or impressed? ><

Have a nice holiday! 

I'm Growing Up

Been a while, huh?

My last post was in 2022, but the story is from 2015, which, lets face it, 10 years ago. Lots of things, I mean, lots, have happened since. To be honest I'm not sure if anyone is still reading blogs, which might be one of the reasons I decided to come back here. Social medias are distracting.

So, dear readers (if any), how have you been? 

I say it sincerely that I do hope you're doing well. Me, well, I myself am not sure. I think I am but lately things seems to have exponential effects on my emotion. I know 35 is not the age people usually started to figure things out, people my age have mostly figured themselves out, be stable in their life, their job, some have already been married and have children. I am happy for them. Genuinely happy. I've taught myself that other people achievements doesn't take from mine, but I cant help but wonder a lot of things these days.

For those who doesn't know, I recently just completed my Master's Degree, and guess what, not in engineering. Yes, I think I subconsciously made a binding covenant with myself to not go back there. And now, comes the hard part. Actually using that Master's Degree. I'm in search for a job! Yay! A legit job that actually using my degree, not just my hands, like the previous one (I will tell you that later, or maybe I won't, who knows?). 

The thing is, the world have completely changed since the last time I have a job using my degree. Now, we can apply for a job just by using an app on the phone. Oh yes, it lowkey surprises me, but lowkey kinda expecting that too. I actually got an interview for tomorrow, which, if you are reading, please pray for me. I don't understand myself why I don't feel safe sharing this too people. Probably because it's masked in shame; yeah, people don't normally just starting out at my age. But here's the thing, people who I actually told this, are really supportive. I'm lucky to have such supportive friends, I've found my people.

I need to write this here to remind my future self that, whatever the outcome is, it's always for the best. Allah knows best for me. If I get it, then I will gain lots of knowledge and experience. But if I didn't, its not the end of the world. I have a backup plan this time. At least I'm not wasting time like before. I want to be a valuable part of society. So, just pray for whats best for me, okay?

Am I nervous?

Are you crazy? Of course I am! Lol. Okay I'm not a lol user, but can you imagine me chuckling nervously? Oh maybe I should just write that.

I always wanted to continue journaling, I feel like social media have taken the fun out of just saying what I want without making people... butthurt, for the lack of better word. Or maybe I'm just imagining things. But we'll see. 

Pray for me!