28

There's no need to read this, I just need to get something out of my chest

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We started out life at zero. Zero years old. Zero thoughts. Zero money. Zero friends. Zero capability. As the days roll by, we learned how to be. How to, turn around. Crawl. Walk. Run. Talk. All the basic things that makes us human. And after years, we went to kindergarden. Learn to socialize. Make friends. A B C, 1 2 3. Enter school, we learn a bit about the world. Basic math. Language and so on. High school. we learn about teenagers. The school politics. We started to notice the opposite gender. Some might start to date and so on. Then we enter the real world.

For me, I further my studies at a local college. Probably because we're not exposed to other possibilities. Even the course I choose; Electrical Engineering. Sounds generic, I know, believe me. I took engineering because I thought it would be easy. Boy was I wrong. But I manage to graduate with 3.00 CGPA which is kinda ok I guess. I found love in my college life. I found passion too. No, get your head out of the gutter. My passion, baking.

For someone who actually bakes when she's waving the red flag, which is almost every month, I didn't realize how much I love doing it until I'm on my final year. And since I'm almost done with the degree, I decided to just finish it, I'm the type of person who don't like to leave in the middle of the job. After getting my degree, I worked for like, 3 months. My job is not hard, but I can actually see what will happen if I stayed there. It's soul sucking. I promise myself that I won't be the person who loves Fridays because she hates her job. And that was exactly what I become. I can't wait for Fridays. I just want to sleep on weekend. I hate waking up and go to work. I become the person that I fear I'll be.

Until one day I took a bold decision to quit. I don't want to be slave to my work. I thought that if I look for a while, I might found some place that I'll like. Interviews after interviews, I keep "slack off" and unconsciously sabotage my interview. My mind already know that this isn't what I want to do. So I stopped searching. I decided to do online baking business.

As far as business go, Sometimes the orders are flooding and sometimes, nothing. The economy doesn't help. And that is actually what I'm going through now. I know I have to do something. I even considered going back to work but my heart keeps protesting. My mind know it won't be sunny forever, there are times that rain will come down. And that is what I'm worried of. I don't want to depend on my parents forever.

It's my 28th birthday today. As you get older, honestly birthdays are not the day you receive tons of presents and cakes anymore. It's the time you reflect what your life have come to. Are you better than last year? Happier? I don't know exactly what is the meter on success, but I feel like I've failed every aspect that life have.

First of all, my career. Nowhere. I don't see it going anywhere and I don't even know where did all of these come from. I used to be optimistic. But optimism doesn't pay your bills. And nor do paranoia. Second, my social life. I'm not married and nowhere near that. I don't even have a boyfriend or love interest. And since I work from home, my friends list aren't growing. Third, my health. Alhamdulillah for now I don't have any health problem. But my weight isn't the ideal weight. I know it's unhealthy. I tried, trust me. Maybe not hard enough, but I tried.

I know I should stop whining here and do something, because I read a saying

"If you don't like where you at in life, move. You're not a tree"

I honestly like sayings like that. soft but brutal enough.

What can I do about it? Let me break it down by number;

1. My Career

I always have these crazy ideas that I know I'll like if I make them. But I don't know where the scaredy voice that afraid it might not work come from. Sometimes I keep procrastinating from doing it. So first of all, always have your small book and pen around, if there's a new idea you have to make it come true in 48 hours. If there's order I'll allow another 24 hours. Promise?

2. Social life

Since I don't really have any love interest besides sam winchester for the time being, I think this one can wait

3. Health

I know you've started jogging before Europe, but since you sprained your ankle, you're afraid to jog. That's okay, find another way to exercise. Swim, I know you love that. Swim at least once a week for starters. Okay? And eat more greens and fruits, help around the house more. Don't be a leech.

There, we have a guideline. So we'll see what will happen next year same day. I really hope there's change in at least 2 out of 3 of the above okay.

And oh, happy birthday!