The third voice

When you fall in love, your heart usually contracts with your mind. When your mind say no your heart usually say yes. That is the moment you starts to realize that you're in love.

As I can put it this way, you have two voices, which are "mind" and "heart". And as we all know, mind is the geeky factual voice and heart is the emotional voice.

And then there's the third voice. For about a fortnight now, something against the odds happen. The emotional heart co-operates with the geeky mind. And out of nowhere, this third voice is the one who contradicts with them. The question is, who/what is that voice and where does it came from?

After some thinking and observation, I name this voice as "memories". Let me give you an analogy. Lets say there's a new movie showing on cinemas. Heart and mind both agrees that the movie is not that interesting. But the memories keep showing the trailer, making heart and mind having second thought about watching the movie.

"Maybe it is good"

"Maybe it suits me"

"Maybe if we give it a chance we'll enjoy ourselfs"

But at the same time thinking:

"But I don't really like the actor"

"But this is the sequel of that sucky story"

"What if this one is bad too?"

So the three voices keep arguing and driving me crazy!

Guys, please settle down. I'm tired of all this. Really tired. 

Hantar barang

Ring ring... telefon berdering. Aku bergegas untuk mengangkat. Melihat siapa gerangan pemanggil, aku tersenyum sendiri.

"Assalamualaikum", kataku.

"Waalaikumsalam", jawabnya.

"Ye encik snowman, nak apa?", tanyaku, gembira dia mengingatiku.

"Tengah duduk aje ni. Ada kat mana?"

"Ada kat rumah aje, dalam bilik ni. Kenapa?", tanyaku lagi.

"Ade hantar barang, tapi posmen kata kena ada orang ambik. Cuba turun ambik barang, posmen kat depan rumah tu", katanya.

Hati aku mula berdebar, entah sebab apa.

"Tapi biasa kalau posmen datang dia tekan loceng rumah, tak dengar bunyi loceng pon", ujarku pada dia.

"Alah, turun je lah, barang penting hantar ni" katanya, mendesak.

Akupun menuruni anak tangga tanpa mematikan panggilan.

"Eh macam kenal je motor tu", kataku.

Rupanya dia didepan pagar rumahku, tersenyum. Suka dengan kejutan ini. Terubat semua rindu dihati.

Malam tadi

Aku mimpi kau datang

Masa aku tengah tak keruan mencari

Lepas tu aku marah kau sebab lari

Aku tak bagi kau lari lagi

Tolong, jangan lari lagi

Aku dah tak mampu
Tahan rindu

:-(

Cakap lebat

Its been a while, right? Sorry for not updating more often, sometimes I forget the existance of this domain. Actually a lot have happened and I don't know where to start.

First of all, life's kinda, only ok I guess. Work, well. Something has happened recently that open my eyes to certain vital things that I usually response with ignorance.

First, about my paycheck. For some who doesn't know, I work in a factory in shifts. There are only two shifts: morning and night. Actually the shifts doesn't bother me a lot. Its the working hours that bother me.

Our working hour is 10 hours per day, 12 if we want to do overtime. And yeah, they treat overtime like a compulsory thing here even though its only an option. And yeah, I am the lady of my own mind, I won't do anything unless I want to. When I check my pay for last month, it's kinda like a wake up call for me. I worked for 12 hours almost every day, and my pay doesn't even reach 2k. I need to do something about this. So I started the scavanger [job] hunt, episode 2.

Second of all, the politics. I really hate the politics here. And I should say this, I am blessed enough to have an understanding boss to work with. Alhamdulillah. 

But, as always, there's always a pair of eyes and a set of lips that can't let us be happy. I don't even know this b**** but suddenly she complaint about me and so. They tell me that she is like that with anyone. I just didn't understand it you know. A well known lady, good looking, married to someone who is filthy rich, but still couldn't leave this poor little new kid alone. Something is wrong upstairs I guess.

The best part is, when it happened, my so called "partner in crime" just bailed on me. So there I am taking the blame, alone. Starting there, I lost all my trust towards that so called "friend of mine". Someone who we call, "cakap lebat, buat tak berani". 

I just hope I can find a job in Shah Alam soon and get my ass out of that stupid factory. It's not exciting anymore, never have been.

From my point of view,

Telling someone that you dream of them is just another way of telling them you think of them very much before you sleep till he/she appears in your dream.

Or to be brief, YOU MISS THEM.

So if someone you love tells you they dream of you, just be emphatic and tell them that you miss them too instead of just remain silent then interpreting it the other way that causes them heartache.

Is that too much to ask for? 

Well, unless you don't then, DON'T.

Stesen bas

Tiap-tiap kali aku datang sini, mesti terkenang. Teringat perasaan tu. Perasaan apabila aku menghantar dia ke sini untuk dia boleh balik kampung.

Sejar dari mula kenal dia, sampai lah kali terakhir aku hantar dia kesini, perasaan tetap sama. Sedih. Sebak. Nak nangis. Macam dia akan tinggalkan aku sampai bila-bila. Tertanya-tanya apakan bila boleh aku jumpa dia lagi.

Yang berbeza, cara aku mengawal perasaan tu supaya dia tak perasan. Ye lah, hilang lah macho kalau tunjuk sedih. Mula-mula, dia dapat detect yang aku sedih. Lama kelamaan, aku buat muka toya. Supaya dia tak terganggu dengan kesedihan aku. Ye lah orang nak balik kampung nak hepi-hepi, aku pulak spoilkan nanti. Tapi bila aku nampak je bas dia mula bergerak, mula lah air mata menitik-nitik. Macam drama wa cakap lu.

Masa mula-mula tu, aku fikir mungkin sebab masih baru kan, lama-lama nanti dah biasa lah. Haraam tak nye. Sampai last aku hantar still rasa sedih.

Okay lah Kak Ngah dah selamat naik bas dan bas dia dah gerak tu, so aku pon nak gerak balik rumah ni. Post ini ditulis untuk mengisi masa sementara menunggu Kak Ngah naik bas hehe.

Oh nak raya dah kan. 

SALAM AIDIL FITRI KAWAN2 :-)

The Departion: Epilogue

She walks slowly into the shower with tears already filling her eyes. She grabs the towel and drags it to the shower. 

"This is too much pain", the voice in her head starts talking again.

She rotates the shower knob clockwise three times to turn in on. She intend to take a normal length shower then tuck herself in to bed. Suddenly the tears streams down without any warning. She feels like screaming now at 12:30 am but she's afraid she'll wake everyone up.

She couldn't hold it in anymore, then she lean her right shoulder to the wall and close her eyes while tears keep streaming down like waterfall. All of sudden, she hears him

"Dear, please don't cry. Smile, please." 

And she feels his warm tan hands hugging her, then kisses her head to calm her down. She feels safe for a while, and that is when reality struck. 

"Why aren't you here baby?"

She asks. No answer. She opens her eyes, he's not even there to begin with. 

With all the tears streaming through her eyes, the thoughts of him in her mind, the shower water running through her skin, her knees become weak and there she is, alone at 12:30am in the shower, sitting on her legs with her hand and head on the toilet lead, weeping and whimpering. It was heartbreaking.

She hears him whisper again.

"Honey, you love me right? Please don't cry." He says

The voice in her head shouts

"BUT BABY YOU AREN'T HERE, HOW CAN I NOT BE SAD?"

Still no answer.

She thinks to herself, when will all this ends? Being without him eats her happiness alive day by day like a dementor sucking good memories from people in Harry Potter.

She gained all her strength and try to get up.

"Enough!" She say to herself.

She gets up reluctantly. Shower herself trying not to think about him again.

Then it happens again. Her knees weaken but this time she sits on the shower tiles. She let the tears stream down and starts whimpering again. There's so much pain in her body, running through each and every vein. She make a fist and starts to punch the wall to let it all out, but all it does is making the feeling even worst.

She gets up again, this time she tells herself

"Honey, sometimes you need to let it all out because you're human, every once in a while you need to cry"

She stands up with any strength left, facing the hazy mirror and wipe it off to see her weeping face. Her eyes already puffed up and her face is wet, slowly she wipes off her face. She cleans herself up, get out of the shower, wear pajamas and pray.

P/s: Is my writing kinda rusty? Cause I can't "feel" my own post.

Broken puzzle

"Need some time to sort and patch and assemble all the pieces of puzzles that are broken and shattered this few years back as well as casting away the reason why."

Just to be clear, "puzzle" is not us. "Puzzle" is just me and me alone.

So, this is it.

Alhamdulillah finally after all the scavenger hunt, I am offered a job at this Japanese company that makes hard disk, Asahi Kosei. I've been back and forth about making the decision to work there since it is located in Balakong which is about one hour drive from my house. I've considered renting a room there but after listening to many many opinions and considering all the risk, I've decided to travel within this early phase. After being familiar with the location and workplace, maybe the renting option will be considered again.

Actually it has been about a month I think since the person told me that I get the job, but after that I never hear from him, might be busy or something, leave me here with all this uncertainties about the position. After calling a couple times finally the human resource department called to ask me when can I start working and whats not.

And today, I received my offer letter through e-mail. People keep saying, no black and white, no deal. And here is it, my black and white. Finally. After receiving this, all of this are becoming real. The job, its real. The degree, its real. The adulthood, the responsibilities, all of them, REAL.

I've been a bit high this week for some reason, and this offer letter pulls my legs back to the ground. Its time to grow up now. Must I, though?

Daylight

Here I am waiting

I'll have to leave soon

Why am I holding on?

We knew this day would come

We knew it all along

How did it come so fast?

About a month ago, when I hear this song on radio, I just admire the perfection in Adam Lavine's voice. But now when I listen closely, it reminds me of something. Him.

Its been a few years now. And in the near future, he'll be back to his hometown. After that, I don't know what will happen. We both didn't.

Its not a break up song. Its about someone who wishes for more time to spend with his lover. He wants to cherish every last moment they have together. He has to leave for some apparent reason. And left his beloved behind.

When people ask, how do you know its love, I don't know how to answer. I just feel it, you know. The exhilaration when that person is around you. How much they cross your mind when they're far. How much you miss them even after 5 minutes you say goodbye to each other. How you wish you can be by their side like, forever.

And the other person, he might not be the perfect guy in the world, but for you, there's no comparison. You can line him with others; your best friend, your friendzoned guy friend, your celebrity crush, still, he's the one you want.

All this mushy gushy love thingy, I didn't made it up. I actually feel it. And I know I'll miss him when he's gone back to his home town.

People always say long distance is risky. For some concrete reason, I believe in that too. I actually witnessed many relationship that didn't survive the test of distance. Not to blame anyone, people need companion. But it left a deep scar to the person involved, especially the one who's being left.

Its not that I didn't trust him. To be honest, I didn't trust myself. I know its not wise to reveal such thing here. But its true. I have my reasons.

We can pray. Put faith in Allah. If its meant to be, it'll be, right? I know we're strong enough for any test. Just have to wait for the right time, and Allah's blessing. Insyaallah. :-)

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go 

But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close 

Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own 

But tonight I need to hold you so close 

Child at Heart

Yesterday I have a casual chat with one of my friends, then she told me that she'll be back because she wants to shower. After her shower, she asked me a question.

Her: Nadia, why do I have a bad habit?

Me: What do you mean?

Her: I often sing, dance and play with the bubbles when I'm showering ever since I was a little girl...

I am trying to keep it down though.

Me: If that really a bad habit?

Her: I don't know, I ask some people they said that it is an odd thing to do while showering.

Me: Okay, answer this question. While you sing, dance and play with bubbles while showering, how do you feel?

Child watching cartoon

Her: I feel happy!

Me: Than, that is totally not a bad habit

Her: But why do my friends think that that is weird?

Me: Just ignore them. Haha. In the process of growing up, we slowly give up things that we used to like when we were a child. For an example, watching cartoons, playing at the playground, colouring etc

Kids playing at playground

Her: Yes I used to love watching Spongebob, Upin Ipin, Shaun the Sheep once upon a time. But now.. :( 

Me: Exactly my point. If there's anything you do that makes you feel like a child at heard, hold on to it. Because that is your "escape" from this whacky growing up stuff

Her: Yeah it is the best! I love it when one of my friends ask me to play with the swing at the playground with her. It makes me feel happy... Sometimes funny

Me: So, if you want to sing and dance and play with bubbles while showering, just keep doing it. As long as it is not a nuisance to others, don't bother :-)

Her: Okay dear :-)

Friends, admit it, the happiest time for most of us in our life is when we were a child. We don't have responsibilities, we can play all day, not worrying about bills to pay or datelines, not worrying about which shirt goes with the pants, everyone is our friend, no prejudice, no racist. As we are growing up, we develop this kind of perception to life based on our experiences. We start forgetting what its like to be the jovial little girl/guy we used to be. We sit down in front of our computer all day, with piles of works to be settled, responsibilities to our family, all the burdens on our shoulder.

Ask yourself my friend, when did you do something that you used to do as a child and actually enjoys it?

Once in a while, go, be a child

Eat some ice cream

Watch Spongebob, Naruto, One Piece

Run freely

Play with balloons

Smile

Sing and dance in the rain

Do a harmless trick to someone close and laugh about it

Tell your parents you love them

And the list goes on~

Think about it ;-)

Three Words

No More Lies

Resah Hati

Tadi terjumpa sesuatu yang aku tahu kalau aku baca kompom banjir shah alam ni. So aku decide untuk x baca, koyakkan dan buang terus benda tu. Buat pe sedihkan diri kalau kita boleh hepi kan? Hehe

Itu hanya satu fasa. Satu hari nanti kita akan pandang belakang dan kata:

"Ah bodohnya aku"

Kadang-kadang kita tertanya-tanya kenapa semua berlaku. Tetapi kita tak sedar, tak semua soalan perlukan jawapan. Sesetengah soalan ditanya untuk kita berfikir, apakah kalau itu tidak berlaku hidup kita akan sama seperti masa kini? Tapi kalau kita berpegang teguh pada tangan Allah, masakan Allah akan menghampakan kita?

Tak semua orang yang hadir dalam hidup kita ditakdirkan untuk menjadi penghuni kekal. Adakalanya mereka datang untuk sementara. Untuk mengajar kita pengajaran berharga yang  tak pernah kita fikirkan selama ini. Kemudian dia pergi tinggalkan kita. Meninggalkan bekas tapak kakinya dalam hidup kita. Ruang kosong. Dan satu hari nanti, orang yang lebih baik akan datang mengisi ruang itu. Mungkin tidak baik dimata manusia lainnya, tetapi lebih baik untuk kita.

Kadang tertanya adakah diri ini cukup sempurna? Akan tetapi di mata insan itu, kitalah yang paling sempurna. Tiada cacat-celanya. Dan selama mana pun kita ambil untuk sedar keadaan itu, setelah kita sedar, cukup lah semuanya untuk kita. Ya, semuanya.

Bila hati menerima seadanya, tidaklah resah hati itu.

Sunyi pun perlukan teman. Sunyi yang terlalu lama mengundang derita. Sekuat manapun kita, sesibuk manapun dengan kerja, kita masih memerlukan teman untuk berbicara dan bergurau senda. Begitulah indahnya ciptaan Maha Pencipta.

Teman, tidak semestinya kekasih yang teristimewa. Teman boleh jadi ahli keluarga. Sahabat yang setia. Rakan sekerja. Jiran tetangga. Toleh lah kiri kanan, anda tidak keseorangan. Jika perlukan pendengar setia, mengadulah kepada yang Maha Mendengar. Kasih sayang, cinta agung-Nya tiada batasnya.

The [Scavenger] Hunt

Well since the Convocation ceremony last Sunday, 19 May 2013 [oh yes, I'm graduated (^_^) ] its been a hell of a hunt. I found myself constantly in the middle of any Career Fair possible, dropping resumes and my photocopied certificate. Also, getting ready for walk in interviews.

Before I explain further, let me interest you with some collage of my Graduation Day:

See there? My friends are amazing, they come and not empty handed. Even their presence makes me feel appreciated. In addition, my mother seems really proud of me, alhamdulillah I feel happy.

Okay, back to the job hunt. Its a jungle out there, we must know how to search for target and the most important thing, to not be choosy. So I've been on about 6 first interviews, one second interview and four career fairs. I found myself liking this hunting thingy because takes me around the Klang Valley. It is a big world out there, there's a lot more people to meet, a lot more types of people to observe.

I'm running out of words to write since my stomach is grumbling, so until next time.

Tuudaluu~~

The perfect moment

It all starts when I call Nadirah on my 24th birthday, she told me that she want to have a date with me the week after election, so I agree because yeah lets face it, I'm unemployed and I miss that gal. Day after day passed, the week after election have come and she contacted me asking if I'm busy that weekend so I say no. But she's not feeling really well so I tell her to just stay home and rest because I don't want her to be sick and tired at the same time. But she insisted.

There comes the Saturday, we agreed to go out after zuhur prayer. Since she's not feeling really well, we decided to just find any Coffee Bean and have a long overdue chatting. We ordered two frappes, double chocolate for her and mocha chino for me as well as a muffin and chicken pie. The muffin and pie are out of this world, I wish I can make it that yummy. We sit there, have a chat about whats going on our life, of course a couple of juicy gossip about our beloved friends and so on.

After about two hours sitting there, Nad told me that she's in the mood for karaoke, and I, as most of you already know- a karaoke junkie agreed without a doubt. We googled the rate for that hour and shoot to destination and there we go, singing like two little kids just get their new toy; with joy energetically. I have so much fun!

But the fun didn't end there. Nad told me she's meeting Yana that night so I asked if I can tag along because its been a while since I meet that gal. I try to reach her on the day before but she didn't answer. We promise that we'll meet Yana at the destination. So after performing Maghrib prayer, we drove back to Shah Alam to Dataran Kemerdekaan but there's a little too many people there, so Nad decided to move to the field next to it. Then I saw a guy with figure like our friend Aiman and I told Nad

"There they are!"

Its kinda unexpected to see them there; Ba, Aiman, Azri, Sopi, Adib, Bukh. They seem like preparing for a feast with all the foods and drink and I said to myself

"Wow this is rezeki"

I approached Yana and asked her why don't she answer the phone, she told me that she's not aware of her phone at the moment and apologized.

Suddenly they sang "Happy Birthday" and I'm like "Who's bitrthday is it? Oh what a terrible friends I am I don't even know my friend's birthday and don't even bring any present".

Happy birthday to you~
Happy birthday to you~
Happy birthday to Nadiaa~
Happy birthday to you~

Little that I know, it is a surprise birthday party for me. Ahh that mischievous Nad, perfectly planning for all this. I feel a warm sensation in my chest and I feel like crying. This is all very touching and sweet. Like a perfect brownies a'la mode [with ice cream].

Then Yana come closer to me and whisper

"Nadia, look behind"

and there it is, the cherry top of this sweet evening, walking towards me, my snowman.

I try to dial down the feeling to cry so the moment won't be so emotional. I really feel appreciated. I have this wonderful friends around me. I might be the luckiest gal to have you guys as my friends, especially my gal Nad.

I don't need other thing. This is the perfect moment. Right here. I am here, surrounded by my wonderful friends and love.

After that Yana approached me again and told me

"Actually I'm not answering your call because I'm afraid this surprise party will slip from my mouth accidentally"

I don't care. This is amazing.

The cake

I don't need thousands of balloons, a cake from Secret Recipe,

a table full of food, a room full of confetti.

I have all I need; awesome friends. 

Saat yang kekok apabila. . .

Kali ini biar aku bercerita. Bercerita cara kronologi.

Tarikh: 9 Mei 2013 [Khamis]

Tempat: Pejabat Bendahari UiTM Shah Alam

Waktu: 4.45 petang

Aku berjalan dari Dewan Seri Budiman ke pejabat bendahari untuk membayar "mini transkrip". Ada banyak pintu yang bertanda pejabat bendahari, aku jadi keliru. Lalu aku turun tangga dan pergi ke tingkat bawah lalu masuk ke bilik itu.

"Assalamualaikum" kataku

"Waalaikumsalam. Ye dik, nak apa?" tanya akak kerani disana.

"Nak bayar untuk mini transkrip. Bayar kat sini ke kak?"

"Ohh, mini transkrip bayar kat tingkat atas lah dik. Rasanya dah tutup ni". usulnya

"Ohh kat atas ke? OK terima kasih".

Lalu aku pun naik keatas dan seperti yang akak itu katakan, pejabat tersebut sudah ditutup.

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Tarikh: 10 Mei 2013 [Jumaat]

Tempat: Pejabat Bendahari UiTM Shah Alam

Waktu: 11.00 pagi

Aku memasuki ke dalam pejabat dengan muka terpinga-pinga. Seorang akak menyapaku.

"Ye?" sambil memandangku.

"Nak bayar untuk mini transkrip. Kat sini kan?"

"Haah kat sini. Kejap ye dik"

"OK"

"Mintak student id?" pinta akak itu. Lalu aku memberikan student id aku dan dia cetak resit hasil pembayaranku. Setelah resit dicetak barulah bolehku mengutip mini transkrip di fakulti.

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Tarikh: 10 Mei 2013 [Jumaat]

Tempat: Fakulti Kejuruteraan Elektrik UiTM Shah Alam

Waktu: 3.00 petang

Aku berjalan ke pejabat fakulti untuk mengutip mini transkrip tetapi nasib tidak menyebelahiku kerana pejabat ditutup atas urusan mesyuarat bersama orang atasan.

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Tarikh: 14 Mei 2013 [Selasa]

Tempat: Fakulti Kejuruteraan Elektrik UiTM Shah Alam

Waktu: 2.40 petang

Sekali lagi, aku menapak ke pejabat untuk mengutip mini transkrip ku. Kulihat ada list yang perlu diisi lalu aku pun mengisinya. Disebabkan tiada sesiapa di kaunter untukku berikan resit pembayaran mini, aku membunyikan loceng dan seorang akak datang kepadaku.

"Ye dik?"

"Pasal mini transkrip ni"

"Ohh isi nama kat sini nanti kita letak kat tray dalam 3 hari nanti ambik eh" kata akak tu.

"Ha akak, yang resit bayar mini transkrip tu nak bagi kat siapa?" tanyaku

"Resit? Eh tak payah la dik, sekarang dah takyah bayar, nape bayar?" ujar akak itu.

"Laa tak tau pon"

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Nota kaki:

• Perasan tak cerita ni ada 4 sesi? Kalau aku tahu yang tak perlu bayar untuk mini transkrip, cerita ni jadi 1 sesi aje.

• Kan tak payah bayar untuk mini transkrip tu, mana pergi duit yang aku bayar kat pejabat bendahari tu? Bukan kedekut tapi, faham tak, rasa ditipu?

Birthday post

Assalamualaikum. Maafkanlah aku kerana dah lama benar tak post sesuatu kat sini. Untuk yang sedar, aku deactivate facebook aku sebab nak elakkan rasa menyampah dan sakit hati dengan virus fitnah yang melanda pada musim pilihanraya ini.

Untuk yang tahu dan ingat, aku baru je menyambut hari lahir menurut kalendar masihi, iaitu pada 28 April yang lepas. Berbanyak terima kasih aku nak ucapkan kepada yang ingat, walaupun ada beberapa orang kesayangan aku yang tak ingat, takpa lah, nak buat macam mana kan.

Sebenarnya aku kurang suka dengan hari jadi ni sebab mengingatkan kepada usia yang dah meningkat sedangkan aku tak rasa aku dah mencapai apa-apa yang boleh dibanggakan.

Orang pertama yang mengucapkan selamat pada hari lahir aku adalah Kak Emy atau Irmalina tapi dia wish becoming lah sebab dah ngantuk sangat. Tepat jam 12.00 malam/pagi, Mayah dan Kak Ngah memberi ucap selamat, diikuti message Whatsapp daripada Nadirah Amir yang busuk itu. Kemudian Encik Orang Salji dan Hairee.

Esok paginya, selepas makan tengah hari sebelum bangun dari kerusi, aku sedar Naqib tidak berganjak tetapi memandang bawah lalu akupun jenguk la apa yang dimenungkan itu. Rupanya dia tak tahu bagaimana nak memberi hadiahnya kepada aku. Comel benar Naqib ini.

Semalam masa baru bangun daripada tidur mak membawa satu bungkusan besar berbalut kedalam bilikku dan menyuruh aku membukanya. Terjerit kami 3 beranak sebab dah lama aku cari waffle iron, sebenarnya dah tak ingat pun yang aku cari, tapj mak ingat dan membelikannya sebagai hadiah aku.

Setelah beberapa hari selepas ulangtahun hari lahir aku, aku mendapat kad yang dibuat sendiri oleh sahabat baikku Sarah daripada Mesir, sangat lah terharu kan, menitik jugak lah 2 3 titik air mata sebab terharu. Wuuhuuu

Terima kasih semua! Aku sayang kalian!

Dan aku ingin meminta maaf sebagai manusia biasa yang penuh dengan kesalahan, aku mungkin ada menyakitkan hati kalian secara sengaja atau tidak, halalkan segala makan minum aku, kalau aku ada hutang tolong tuntut sebab aku ni pelupa sikit, aku tak mahu roh aku tergantung antara langit dan bumi bila ia meninggalkan jasad nanti.

From Mayah Mino busukun

From Alia

From Naqibun 

From myself. ahaks!

From the best mother in the world (^_^)

From Egypt. Sarah Adiba. Aku dapat kad dari Egypt, korang hado?

Kasut tumit tinggi

Sudah dua hari aku cuba membeli-belah mencari kasut tumit tinggi untuk dipakai ketika majlis graduasi aku nanti. Ini akan menjadi kasut tumit tinggi pertama yang akan aku miliki. Sebelum ini aku tak pakai kasut tumit tinggi kerana aku rasa ia sangat tak perlu dan tak praktikal.

Conversaion aku dengan member pasal heels

Setiap kali aku keluar mencari kasut tumit tinggi itu lah, mood aku terus berubah daripada baik-baik aja kepada rasa nak marah-marah. Aku berfikir, kenapa aku perlu luangkan wang mak ayah aku untuk beli kasut aku tak suka yang paling murah pun RM70, hanya untuk sesuaikan diri dengan pendapat dan mata masyarakat tentang idea mereka terhadap "pakaian formal"?

Kasut-kasut aku sebelum ini sangat selesa, paling mahal pun RM50. Sungguh aku tidak faham dengan kalian. Sungguh. Sungguh.

Aneh

Aku berlari-lagi dalam bangunan itu sambil menangis teresak-esak. Bangunan yang mempunyai kawasan yang kelihatan seakan-akan sekolah menengahku tetapi seperti binaan orang Serani zaman dahulu. Cantik. Lalu aku terdengar suara dia. Suara yang sudah lama tidak didengari. Dia bersama keluarga bercuti disini, Sudah mahu pulang ke rumah.

Lalu aku pun mencari suara itu. Aku lihat dia sedang berbual mesra dengan salah seorang kawannya. Aku yang masih teresak bersama tangisan ini amat memerlukan seseorang untuk meminjamkan bahunya. Aku pergi ke arah dia. Dia terpana melihatku; bagaimana aku boleh berada disitu dan mengapa tangisan itu. Setelah beberapa minit meresap apa yang berlaku kedalam mindanya, dia memelukku erat untuk menenangkan ku dan mengajak aku pulang kerumah.

Dengan pelukannya aku merasa lega dan tenang, lalu aku berjalan dalan pelukannya. Dia mengajak aku pulang sekali, katanya dia boleh hantarkan aku kerumahku. Akan tetapi, aku mencari seseorang. Aku sendiri tidak pasti mengapa aku mencari orang itu.

Aku pon melarikan diri dari dia yang memelukku itu dan mencari orang yang dicari tadi. Mungkin nasibku baik, aku jumpa rumah orang itu. Aku masuk dan aku nampak orang itu. Seorang perempuan yang seharusnya berambut kuning keemasan, sudah menjadi coklat gelap, tatpi aku masih mengenali dia. Aku memeluknya erat.

Maafkan saya, ini bukan realiti, hanya mimpi. Tetapi tidak pernah lagi saya bermimpikan "dia" sebelum ini. 

The spooky building

Just now my mom asked me

"Who is this?"

"I'm Chuck Bass"

and I answered

"He's my new boyfriend" with a mischievous smile.

If only I can date him for real. Last night I dreamt about this bad boy again. Apparently we are exclusive and at the moment, we're just hanging out with out friends. On the way to the hang out place, there's a spooky-looking old building. That building remind me of somewhere but I can't recall where is it or where I saw it from. In the building I saw a hole in the wall, with a glimpse I swear I saw something is moving through the hole. While walking we hear wind swooshing and the shadow in the building is moving but none of us are brave enough to look upwards.

The spooky building kinda looks like this

We hang out in the middle of an old mall, and my boyfriend Chuck [ehem] make a cute face and look and me while we are chatting.

The cute face

In the middle of hanging out, one of our friends, Penelope [If you watch GG] recommended a dress to me but I reluctant to buy it because I don't really like it. Then she says I am picky and suddenly out of nowhere I burst and start screaming to her

"IT'S MY LIFE AND MY MONEY WHY DO YOU BOTHER?"

and just stormed out of there. I have to walk through the spooky building, at the hole in the wall I say someone's eye and suddenly the wall opens up and there stand a creepy-looking man just stare at me and I started running. Suddenly I walk pass a school assembly [?] and there where I heard my alarm clock get up.

Before this, no matter how much I like the character [Sam Winchester], I never dream about him. I wonder why I keep dreaming about Chuck and is it normal? Is there any shrink here that can tell ma? hehe

T.I.M.E

All of this, with everything that has been happening I finally realize that there's no reason to be worked up about. People often say that everything happens for a reason and now I might see the beginning of it. Every person that hurt me for the past few weeks, each of them I love very much which is the reason that every small action they do or every little things that they say might give enormous effect in my life as much as I'm trying to deny it.

Thanks to Juliet Sharp in Gossip Girl, I learn that revenge is a dessert best served cold. In other point of view, it is not wise to enjoy too much dessert since it is usually full of sugar and that is not good for your body. Eventually you will feel exhausted. Besides that, forgiving others actually affect our heart, it has nothing to do with theirs. We will feel the zen once we forgive others, try it.

Don't we miss the feeling of peace and free? I know I do. And for the first time yesterday, I actually have fun. It was amazing with you, but all this time I always wonder, will it stay like that forever? When I feel happy, I wonder am I dreaming to be this happy? And why?

Until now I have no answers to that. But if I am dreaming, I want to open my eyes now. We can't run from the reality forever. At one point, we have to wake up and face the music. We have to have "the talk". So if you care enough to have "the talk" with me, just tell me. But if you still want to be a coward and avoid the talk, maybe it's not meant to be.

I leave it all to Allah. He knows the best.

p/s: For you, S who just chatted with me yesterday, thanks you for being a loyal reader to my blog, you really didn't know how much it mean to me. I really appreciate it.

Chuck Bass

Hello Upper East Siders, upss, hello lovely readers how is it going? As some of you may know currently I have something called "celebrity crush" on one of the Gossip Girl's character, Chuck Bass played by Ed Westwick. I'm in love with the idea of Chuck Bass because he's a bad boy [which I usually route in movies or series that I watch or watched] and from where I am watching standing right now he is in a committed relationship with the most annoying yet adorable character in this show, Blair Waldorf. I love the way he handles Blair. He is the type of person who is willing to do anything, and I mean anything for the person he loves.

Tell me, how can't you fall in love with him?

Well, last night, I kinda have a dream about him. He confesses that he's attracted to me and he want to be my boyfriend. We texted but its really awkward for me because I don't know what to call him, but he's really sweet planning dinner for just the two of us. Unfortunately the private dinner doesn't turn to be private as we imagine it. Many people tag along so we ditch them and meet outside of the restaurant with bag packs [Its a dream, just go with it]. I saw him but he doesn't see me. Then I try to search for him but he's gone.

Then my alarm clock woke me up.

Well there goes my unsuccessful dream love story. I might watch too many Gossip Girl so its affecting my subconscious subconsciously. I'm hoping to see him again tonight [wink wink]. Funny thing about dreams, sometimes we didn't realize we care too much or too less about someone until we have a dream about them. We chase the dream when the reality is not that wonderful for us. But careful fellas, don't let the dream affecting your reality. However, you can make the dream as an inspiration, but not more than that.

Let me put the ending of this post Gossip Girl style.

You know you love me,

XOXO

Gossip Girl

Ipad Baru

Iman [anak sepupu kami] sedang membelek-belek IPad Mini Mayah. Selepas itu ayahnya, Abg Herman [sepupu kami] datang kepada kami, lalu Iman menunjukkan Ipad Mini Mayah kepada Abg Herman.

"Bak, ni IPad Mini",

Abg Herman pon memandang kearah Ipad Mini tersebut, lalu berfikir seketika. Kemudian dia bersuara;

"Bak takde Ipad Mini. Nak tahu apa bak ada? Ipad Bini!",

Lalu kami pun, iya, anda tahu yang selanjutnya.

Luscious cookies

Tell me fellas, what is more luscious than a freshly batch of cookies hot from the oven? The vanilla smell spread all over the house. Melted chocolate chip touches your taste buds, excites it. The way the cookie crumbles, crunchy, with some tasteful variety of nuts. The satisfaction it gave you when all of it comes together; the cookies, the chocolate chip, the nuts, the warmness, the vanilla smell.

Ever experience more? I'm sure you have. Baking is one of my passion. And cookies seems to be the bake goods that I make the most, although it is not a piece of cake. Oh see what I did there?

One thing about the stuff you like; you'll do it even though how exhausted you'll be. Thats why we call it passion. Want to hear a cute love story?

Once upon a time, there live a regular guy and there's his beloved bubbly girl. The guy loves to play a sport which I call, the p sport. One day the guy enters a p tournament and the girl went to the guy to give him her moral support even though she's pretty much alone when the guy is playing. The girl didn't mind being alone as long as she can see her guy plays. When the guy is resting he approaches the girl and ask her
"Aren't you bored?",
The girl answers
"Emmm, I don't know. Probably not!",
And there she stayed until the end of the tournament. The truth is, that guy is her passion and how can she get bored when she's watching things that she loves.

Ok the story might be not that cute, but, still, throw me a bone here! Oh I just chatted with one of my best friend, another shocking news came out. I pray for the best of it, I really really hope the people involved could think wisely before jumping into any not-so-wise decision. Think about the ripple effect of your action instead of only thinking about yourself.

Since I am really exhausted from all the baking, I have to pen off now. Tomorrows gonna be a long day and not-so-long trip to the North. I hope the traffic is not that bad.

Have a great weekend fellas. Happy holidays too!

Juicy

Assalamualaikum and hello hello there. Here I am back from some pecel lele and feeling-pouring session with one of my dearest friend. And guess what fellas, there's a surprising news received just now. Is this the year of surprises or what?
Of course due to the secrecy code, the one who listens can't reveal the secret, thus sorry you guys, no gossip for today. I can give you this though, its really juicy and mind twisting. I hope to see a happy ending for that.
Oh wait, one of my classmates is getting engaged this weekend. Oh how time flies. I pray that she's happy. They'll be happy. Insyaallah.
Back to the sewing activity that took place today, it gives me a headache. I found out one thing; my sewing is getting neater than before. Maybe I need a good afternoon nap for the rest of my days to avoid this kind of headache.
So fellas, how was your day?

Closure

It just in: Twitter has it that the most controversial thesis of the year has been submitted to my supervisor today [or yesterday?], lets just put it as; it has been submitted 4th of February 2013. After about 3 hours of waiting today and about three hours for about 3 days of waiting, I finally managed to meet my busy bee supervisor to submit my thesis.
He's been the most wonderful person that helps me a lot through this semester, looking out for me, he even present when I'm presenting my technical paper and actually smile when I'm presenting. Its just the sweetest.
As it implied; as soon as I've submitted my thesis, my undergraduate life has ended, putting my unemployment life to a fresh start. There are tons to do before I actually [want to] get started to the job-seeking life. As mentioned in earlier post, this morning I have the whole "spring cleaning" stuff after submitting my dissertation. A bunch of clothes that needs fixing here and there were discovered. As tomorrow's morning sun shining, just call me Cooleustary the tailor. It might be a lot easier if the sewing machine didn't broke down but, come on, it'll be over soon.
Gotta warm up the needles and threads ladies and gentlemen cause tomorrow we got a lot of sewing to do. Sew sew sew.

The battle

The new drawer has arrived. I have to re-sort my clothes so that it can fit into my drawers. My mom reserves space for my clothes in my brother's room but I think its the best that all of my clothing, or the ones that I actually wear stays in my room. Funny thing about changes, sometimes we thought that things will stay that way forever. You probably already know this but, IT DOESN'T. Drawers breaks, pets die, and people changes.

So I have a pretty dreadful cough for about two weeks now I think. Usually I'm not the type of person who take their drugs right away when they're sick. Not the type that won't eat or drink anything icy when they have a cough. But right now, I'm pretty cautious, which indicates that the cough is kinda bad. Enough on that topic.

It's gonna be a long day tomorrow. Cleaning up my room. More to spring cleaning. Getting rid of useless stuff. Making space for stuff that matters. Hey have you heard that if we didn't use something for about two years, we won't use it ever again? Come to think of it, I have like tons of stuffs that I didn't use for years, but hard to let go. Its all memory you know. All the letters from your friends at high school, the handmade birthday cards, the apology card [yeah I kinda like to sulk back then], stuff like that you always wondered, is it worth to provide some space for it or should you just let it go and lock the memory safe in your mind?

Its a pretty true statement that you won't use that stuff again. So why keep it? But for the sake of memories, wouldn't it be better keeping that stuff and reminisce the old times? That is the battle that took take place at almost every spring cleaning I do. A battle between mind and heart. Reserving spaces for memories vs using the space for things that matters. Practicality vs memories. Going back to your past is not a great idea, but once in a while you might need to glance at it so that you can see the great things that keep you going. It is utterly vital though that you don't let the past hold you back.

So people who read this [if only] please help me with this duality. Which one is your choice, memory or practicality?

Married?

Yesterday I just seek for the truth on one of my close friend's life about her wedding. To be honest, she's the first person friend that really matters to me that get married. All of this time I thought that she's only engaged but the fact is she's already married, they even have a lovely little daughter. They only held a reception of akad nikah, they haven't held a ceremony yet, that might be the reason that many people doesn't know that thay're married.

Ijab Qabul 

I might be a little slow in picking up all the hints, because nowadays people always refer to their lover as husband. For an example

"Laki aku teman aku pergi shopping semalam"

or

"Rindu lah kat husband"

etc etc etc. To make things worst, they even put their facebook status as

"Married to [Mak Jemah]"

or

" Married to [Pak Pandir]"

even when in fact, they are not married yet in real life.

Plus, when I see a little kid's picture with caption

"My baby"

or

"comel tak anak aku?"

usually its their niece or nephew.

So when I see all of above at my friend's facebook page, I just assume the same thing. But it keeps coming back to me for some reason, then I asked her, and she admitted that she's already married and the kid is her daughter.

She has a freakin daughter for crying out loud!

I still can't digest the fact that she's already married let alone the idea that she's already a mother to other human being. Please don't get me wrong, I'm really happy that she's married. She seems really happy with her new family too. When they were engaged, we have a nice lunch and she introduces her fiance to me. From the way he looks at her, I know he's a keeper. Since I've already know my friend for years, I know she's a keeper too. Its great that she's settled down with a man who loves her.

Its just that, she's one of my crazy friend. We do many of stupid stuff together. We skipped class together. We share about our life together. When other people are busy preparing for their exams, we were the sleeping beauty. Then for some unexplainable reason, we both achieve dean list even when we almost didn't study. Sometimes when we wake up late, we didn't shower to class. I know its probably not happening at the same time, but we're pretty much has the same crazy attitude.

And suddenly she's married? It blows my freakin mind out you know. Can you imagine?

Anyways, I pray for the best for you three. I hope you will stay together until Jannah. Really happy for you. And I love you dear. :-)